The Black Friday Survival Guide, Phase III: Surviving Black Friday
You are at about t-minus twenty four hours before your greatest meal of the year. I hope you’ve planned and prepared by reading through Phases I and II. Now you have to realize that the clock is winding down quickly, and heading out into the wild with fully-formed strategy but no practical survival skills, you will find that all your planning will go to naught.
So, without further ado, The Steel Closet Presents the third (and probably most critical) portion of The Black Friday Survival Guide. Welcome to Phase III: Surviving Black Friday.
Become the protege to Bear Grylls and Les Stroud after the jump.
A. Post-Thanksgiving
First of all, don’t be an irresponsible dillbag. If you’re the host, make sure that all your guests leave safely (and haven’t had so much hooch that they can’t tell the difference between their car and a box of leftovers). If you’re a guest at someone’s house, do what you can to offer to clean up. Your hosts will always deny any help, but you can do little things to help relax the folks who have been stirring and saucing and slaving all day. Gathering up recyclables, throwing away empty plates, poking Gramps awake, etc. Also make sure that you slather your plate of leftovers with a healthy coating of gravy, because I find that Thanksgiving food tends to be a little dry the next day. Excuse yourself as early as possible so that you can prepare for The Big Day, i.e., Black Friday.
Help your host out, please.
Head to your BatCave, or Fortress of Solitude, or Zombie Defense Bunker, whichever you happen to have handy, and gather up all necessary materiel. Here’s a quick list of materials you will need, at the BARE minimum:
- Black Friday Excel sheet: I shouldn’t even have to explain this. You’ve read Phases I and II already, repeatedly, while sitting on the toilet right?
- BF newspaper ads: Handy for visually identifying THC-420a, especially since you might forgot what’s on sale where when referencing your Excel sheet.
- Highlighters, markers, pens: for circling stuff, threatening others at penpoint, and because you might forget something that your SO told you to buy. Also, because pencils are for first graders.
- Cell phones: See Part II for the advantages of short-range 2-way radios, but cell phones work just fine in a pinch. Make sure you charge it overnight, you dolt.
- Bluetooth headset*: Hands-free conversation will never be so important as the day you go out throwing bows trying to get to the last Nintendo Wii. Of course, you risk looking like a schizoprenic Borg.
“DUDE, THERE’S LIKE, SO MANY GUITAR HEROES FOR WII. WE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO CAMP OUT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STOP SHOUTING? I’M TALKING NORMAL, BROTATO.”
- Bottle of water: Use a reusable container like a Nalgene, Sigg, or Kleen Kanteen. Because stimulating the economy would be a waste if you shat all over the environment with disposable water bottles.
- Messenger bag / Jack Bauer bag: Purses are NOT recommended, because lord knows that girls usually have enough trouble finding stuff in their purse on any normal given day. Your Bauer Bag is designated specifically for Black Friday Survival Items.
Live lean, live fast, live smart. Keep your supplies handy.
* indicates possibility of looking like a douche. Use with caution.
Now, charge your phone, charge your Bluetooth earpiece, study your materials one last time and place everything in separate pouches of your Bauer Bag. Remember which pockets they’re in for easy access. If you have loads of time to kill, I suggest you watch Jingle All The Way, a meticulously detailed documentary on how difficult holiday shopping can be (BONUS: It has Sinbad and Schwarzenegger playing idiot dads). Place the whole kit ‘n’ caboodle next to your door, set your alarm and get a good night’s sleep.
Unless, of course, you’re camping overnight…
B. Camping Out
For those of you who are hardcore enough (and/or crazily desperate enough) to try and get one of the ultra-mega-big-ticket Doorbuster items like an HDTV or computer, the extremely limited nature of these items (and the persistence of other cheapskate goons like you) means that you will in all likelihood need to camp out for them. Remember, limited quantities means LIMITED quantities…expect a dozen (and that’s being generous) or less of each, with tickets and vouchers being handed to those who are first in line. If you look at your ads carefully, a lot of retailers will place the minimum quantity they will have on hand, so you can guage what kind of chance you have to get one.
Aside from that, camping in the parking lot of a Best Buy isn’t a whole lot different from camping next to the lake. Check the supplies list in Phase II for things you can stock in the back of your gas guzzler. Yes, your gas guzzler – SUV, pickup truck, station wagon – don’t forget that you’re going to be doing some hardcore shopping today. You’ll need the space, because bulky boxes and delicately wrapped goods are going to need some clearance space.
Here are some tips for camping out / starting your day:
- Gas up your vehicle. You’ll be running around all over town, you don’t want to stop midway to get gas.
- When you get to the store you’re going to be camping out at, do a quick drive-by to see what the line looks like. Make sure your windows are up and that you don’t have your gun out, you don’t want to get arrested (yet). You want to get a feel for who you’re going to be up against.
- Park close to an exit. It’s going to be a verifiable NIGHTMARE getting your car out of a parking lot. Park in a spot that’s both (a) optimally close to the store and (b) optimally close to a parking lot exit. If you have to choose between the two, choose a spot that’s further away from the store but closer to an exit. Even if you have to walk further to put your shopping away, you can do the Victory Walk – gloating and grinning like an idiot while all the other cars struggle to find a spot.
- Park your car ricer style, i.e., nose outwards. Be sure that you also have enough space in the rear to open your trunk / liftgate. Also make sure you have a blanket in the rear, to cover up expensive items like TVs or video games that you don’t want prying eyes to see.
- Keep supplies like umbrellas, extra food, coolers with drinks, etc with you on the sidewalk. You don’t want to have to keep running to the car for more stuff, especially if it’s cold or rainy. You also want to minimize the risk of other people not holding your spot for you anymore. As it gets closer to opening time (say, an hour or so), kindly ask the person behind you to hold your spot. Which brings me to the next tip…
- Befriend the person behind you. This is absolutely crucial. This is the person who is most likely to be disgruntled with the fact that someone had the audacity to line up in front of them, so you need them on your side. There’s never any real way to know if you can trust them (people are surprisingly two-faced during the holidays), but befriending increases your chances of having someone hold your spot while you go grab something from the car or get a bite to eat. Don’t abuse it though – minimize the number of absences from the line. See the previous tip.
- Urinate as necessary. You don’t want to survive the camp out, get your doorbuster, wait in a huge line at the checkout and THEN hear nature calling when you’re 2 customers away from being checked out. Everyone’s peeing habits are different, but try to empty out as close as possible to the doors opening, that way you’re fresh and ready to roll. Just don’t urinate in public, you can get a ticket doofus.
- Listen to the employees. They’re your best chance at getting to the right spots to claim Doorbuster items. They’ll usually be located at a specific area or kiosk, so ask what department they’ll be in before the doors open. Oh, and don’t bother with a cart. It hinders your footspeed. Race to the item, present your voucher for the item, get the item, and then sit on it until you find an employee to help you. Ask them to help you carry it to the counter. Shop smarter, not harder.
Remember, when the doors open, it’s every man for himself. Running, tripping, elbowing, shouting, etc are all fair game. Don’t get caught in the stampede – you want to be Mufasa, not the hyenas. Except, you don’t want to die or anything. All the more reason to employ The Buddy System.
C. The Buddy System
Best Holiday Movie Ever.
There’s really no reason at all not to use The Buddy System. It’s going to be absolutely invaluable as you make your way through the Black Friday gauntlet. A friend, a sibling, a parent, whoever – using the Buddy system not only increases the flexibility and efficiency of your shopping experience, it also means that you have a trustworthy ally in long lines, a hawk-like scout when searching for specific items, and someone to enjoy the day with instead of bitterly mumbling to yourself.
Here are some examples of how the Buddy System can aid in your quests:
- Guarding. Whenever you have to temporarily leave your spot in line (because you need to get another LEGO set, have to go to the bathroom, or forgot your water bottle in the food court), your Buddy can hold it without anyone saying so much as a peep. This is really the most invaluable usage of the Buddy System.
- Scouting. While you’re out fighting for a big-time doorbuster item, your Buddy can go clean up on the other, smaller deals throughout the store. They can pick up the DVD sets, the memory cards, the hard drives and mp3 players while you focus on slaying the other Cheapskatasauruses.
- Hunting. When you’re looking for a specific size or color of an item, nothing helps like an extra pair of eyes and an extra pair of hands. They can comb over areas you’ve been through (to make sure you didn’t overlook anything), simultaneously search other sections, or merely guard the territory while you’re at work. You can’t Death Stare while you’re fishing through boxes of Jordan sneakers…your Buddy, however, can.
Your Buddy System probably doesn’t look as good as this.
- Holding. There may come a point where there is simply too much to carry, or one of you gets a little pooped. In this case, you can park the cart and all the items in a convenient corner and have the other continue shopping while one of you rests. As important as it is to push yourself on Black Friday, you can’t go past the breaking point. Don’t melt down – get some rest throughout the day. Remember to hydrate and eat.
You want to be able to take a Victory Lap…
As an added Bonus, the Victory Walk is all the more victorious when other people see you laughing and high-fiving with someone else. While your Buddy doesn’t necessarily have to have read this Survival Guide (you can just fill them in as you go along), you will have a much larger advantage if they did read it. So forward all parts of this survival guide to everyone you know, so you have more Buddies out in the field.
…not a Walk of Shame.
C. Shopping
Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits all strategy for every store and every sale and every shopper. You have to be quick on your feet, able to adapt, and willing to step on toes and hurt some feelings if you’re going to be successful today. So I’ll give you some general purpose tactics on how to shop, how to fight off other shoppers, and how to get the help you need from the overworked employees. You’ll learn to use the physical traits of the terrain to your advantage, as well as employ distractions and disinformation to throw off other shoppers from the bargain trail.
- If something’s sold out, ask for a raincheck. This usually doesn’t work on the doorbuster items, but if it’s for some other item that’s not in the ad, that they should have in stock anyway, ask for the manager and ask for a raincheck. He or she will likely say that they’ll get some “in time for the holidays”. Tell them kindly, “So what do you call this jolly cheery period in between Thanksgiving and Christmas? And why isn’t it instock on the 2nd biggest shopping day of the year?”. On these kinds of items, the manager will either gladly give you a raincheck, or offer you the same price on a competitor’s product. You can get really good deals this way – and you may just be able to a better product for the sale price.
- Asking employees where stuff is can be a waste of time. With a surge in the amount of non-knowledgeable seasonal employees, you may just be misdirected or end up wandering around looking for another employee that actually does know what they’re talking about. Only ask for directions if you really, REALLY can’t find what you’re looking for.
Do they look like they know where the Hello Kitty stuff is?
- If someone comes up to you and asks if you know where Item X is, and you’re also looking for Item X, use some disinformation. Point to the other side of the store and say “Oh yeah, I just talked to the manager and he said he’d be bringing out more from the stockroom. Check it out.” Congrats, you just bought yourself a few more minutes of hassle-free searching. But, if that person comes back…
- Lie again. FUCK your holiday spirit son, I’m trying to get my deal on. Tell them that you already got the last one, and your husband/significant other / sister is in line at the front, ready to buy it. Say “Sorry!” with a cheerful smile, just to piss them off even more.
- WATCH YOUR CART! Even with the Buddy System, make sure someone’s got an eye on the cart. Someone can just do a fly by and steal your Darth Vader Voice Changer helmet.
Like, totally use your BFF in the Buddy System.
- If you’re in the parking lot, practice some proper etiquette. If you’re ever just going to your car to unload some stuff and then go back to shop more, kindly inform the person signaling that you’re not leaving…BEFORE you finish unloading. It’s those blowhards that unpack their stuff, close their doors, and THEN tell me that they’re not leaving that make me want to get out of my car and show them the pencil-trick from The Dark Knight.
- Park your carts to the side, don’t leave them in the aisle. Drive your carts like you drive your car – go faster than the speed limit, stay on the right, and pass when necessary. You might not have a horn, so don’t be afraid to say “Excuse me!” or “Please let me through” or “HOLY SHIT, IF YOU DON’T SPEED UP OR MOVE ASIDE I WILL PLOW RIGHT THROUGH YOUR SORRY EXCUSE FOR A CABOOSE.”
PARK IT TO THE SIDE, GODDAMNIT!
- Don’t strike up conversation with anyone unless you’re in line and have absolutely nothing else to do. You are here to SURVIVE, not to tell stories about reindeers and snow and shit. Tis definitely NOT the season to be jolly.
- Drink heavily. Yes, water. But a swig from a hip flask of Jim Beam can help you calm your nerves and keep you from punching that slow person in the face.
- If someone in close proximity to you turns around and yells loudly, either to communicate to their friend or whatever, by all means SHOUT RIGHT BACK AT THEM. It’s funner if you yell something random like the opening to Henry V or non-sequiturs like “WE ARE NOT THE SAME, I AM A MARTIAN. APPROACH THE PHANTOM DOORS WITH CAUTION.” Actually, any excuse to quote Lil’ Wayne while shopping is probably a good idea.
“HEY. SHUT UP.”
- Take 2 carts. One for you, one for a buddy. If you’ve already got your doorbusters and/or are just doing some normal shopping, you’ll need 2 carts for everything, especially since they’ll become scarcer and scarcer throughout the day. Most will end up aimlessly roaming the parking lot.
- Eat regularly so you don’t have to take a breakat the eateries, which will be VERY crowded. The only food that might be worth it is Hot Dog On A Stick.
- Don’t flirt with anyone. Your chances of getting their number were already slim, and you probably smell because of the Hot Pocket in your pocket. Some other day, chap.
LiLo practices the Intimidation tactics from Phase II.
- FIGHT. Set your feet, square your shoulders, swing your elbows, and give everyone in your path the Ice Grill, Mean Mug, Death Stare, whatever you want to call it. You want to look as close to borderline insane/desperate/smelly as possible, to make sure people don’t mess with you.
- Don’t get anything wrapped at the mall. That’s for suckers, they don’t even wrap your stuff well and they overcharge. You are, however, allowed to pause briefly to check out the gift wrappers if they happen to be a cheerleading team from a local school.*
- Check off your wishlist. Every time you get something on sale, mark it off on your Excel sheet to keep track of it all. You don’t want to end up buying two of anything.
- Peel off layers as needed. See Part II for more details, but once it starts to get warmer, you’ll want to leave some layers in the car so you don’t overheat.
* = only allowed if you’re in high school also. I don’t condone any activities that will get Chris Hansen all up in your grill.
D. Checkout line
This is your final obstacle in this, the most trying of shopping marathons. A few quick tips on getting out as quickly as possible, unscathed.
- Look for the shortest line. People tend to park their carts wherever they see other people lined up, so be enterprising and look around for shorter lines.
- Don’t forget the garden department checkouts. Most stores that have a garden department will open those registers as well, and you can purchase anything and everything at that checkout as well, not just garden stuff. Beware though, as these lines, while shorter, can sometimes move slower. Choose wisely.
- All things being equal, people tend to wander to their right (like they do in their cars). Veer left when advantageous.
- Pay with credit or debit. I swear, if you pull out cash, or god forbid, a CHECKBOOK(lol, grandma), you will do nothing but delay your checkout and piss off people behind you. Use the plastic, and the MOMENT you get back home, pay off the balance using your online banking system. That way, you don’t get charged interest. Responsible Personal Economics 101, people.
E. Celebrate
After you’ve gotten all your gifts, pack them all carefully into your car and head home. Smile contentedly, but don’t cut off people on the highway without signaling.
It’s likely that all your shopping isn’t done. It’s also likely that you didn’t get everything you wanted. But you grabbed a lot of great gear, avoided a lot of headaches, and scored sweet deals on everything from ear muffs to Harass-Me-Elmos.
Congratulations, you’ve survived Black Friday! With any luck, you didn’t get mauled too badly. Take a shower (god, will you need it), turn on the TV, and enjoy your gravy-soaked leftovers.
You’ve passed through the most critical phases of our training, and you’ve managed to survive a dollar-soaked spendfest. We hope you saved some money for Cyber Monday, and for the rest of the holiday shopping season.
You’re almost there. Come back tomorrow for the home stretch, Survivorman/Survivorwoman.
Come back tomorrow for the final, exclusive, portion of The Black Friday Survival Guide: Phase 4 – White Saturday. Only on The Steel Closet.
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