The Internet’s Secret War: Some nutjobs actually think that Five Guys is better than In-N-Out
Deep, deep in the bowels of the newfangled world-wide-intrawebz, a gastric debate is slowly brewing in the hearts and minds of foodies, web forum members, and the l33+ kids on XBox Live.
People everywhere are drawing battle lines and taking sides in this most controversial of topics. It’s shaping up as a rivalry of sorts, one that internerds like me love to debate pointlessly about. Goku or Vegeta? Sox or Yanks (neither, DIAF)? Raw or strapped?
I’m talking about Five Guys Burgers and Fries, and its meteoric rise to fame. After becoming a cult favorite in the Virginia and Washington, D.C. areas, it has expanded aggressively to become known now as an “East Coast” thing. And by god, when they opened a few stores in Southern California and encroached on In-N-Out (which is very much a “WESTSIIIIIIIDE” kind of thing) territory, some turncoat SoCal blasphemers began to argue that Five Guys was superior in every way.
This offends me, because I’m a die-hard In-N-Out enthusiast. No, it’s not the best burger in the world. Yes, Five Guys probably has some tasty burgers. But In-N-Out is, in fact, the best-tasting, freshest, makes-you-feel-good fast-food burger in the nation. Yeah, I said it. My loyalties were forged long ago, in the heat of San Fernando Valley nights and an old-school, drive-thru-only In-N-Out in Panorama City.
Reasons why In-N-Out dominates after the jump.
1. Okay, the “secret” menu isn’t at all secret anymore. But the fact stands that, a long time ago at some ancient In-N-Out, a bunch of workers decided that they wanted to make their already awesome burgers even more awesome. Those pioneering bastards came up with stuff like “protein style” (wrapping a burger only in lettuce) and “animal style” (basically just going buck wild and adding/doing crazy shit to the standard burger). Not only did they invent new degrees of deliciousness, but the fact that there are some people who still don’t know what a Flying Dutchman or a Wishburger are means that some parts of the secret menu always will remain somewhat secret, a treasure in the hearts of real In-N-Out lovers everywhere.
2. Five Guys is way more expensive. ‘Nuff said.
3. In-N-Out has biblical quotes on the bottoms of all its paper items like cups and bags. Now, normally I’m all for the separation of church and plate, but you have to respect a company that’s all like “Fuck you, we make awesome burgers and we think Jesus would like them too. So if you don’t like it, piss off.” So not only does In-N-Out have a sense of morality, but they’re also kind of badass and secretive, like Yale’s Skull and Bones. Don’t tell me that that’s not cool.
4. Let’s face it. The only people on the West Coast who want to say that Five Guys is “better” are trendwhore nancies who just want to be up on the “new” thing. These are probably the same tools that just bought a fixie last year, claim that they’ve been down with Shepard Fairey since 2006, and wear their Wayfarers indoors. If anyone fitting this description talks about Five Guys, do me a favor and knee them in the balls and toss their bike into a woodchipper. Hipsters must die. I won’t lie though, that Five Guys Burger up there does look fairly tasty.
5. REAL. ICE CREAM. MILKSHAKES. MMMmmmmmmm.
6. This is one of the many keys to In-N-Out’s success. This secret variation on Russian dressing is generously dolloped on all In-N-Out burgers, and is thus is lovingly referred to as “spread”. I refuse to believe that it’s just plain Thousand Island dressing though. This shit is like Million Island dressing, it’s so good. And they come in little sealed packages now, so you can carry some around wherever you go…kind of like those ghetto people that carry around their own ranch and/or hot sauce. Best part is that no one would really care, because this stuff tastes better than angel cum.
7. C’mon. The place is a California institution, a bonafide classic. Five Guys probably has delicious burgers…but In-N-Out has been serving California the freshest, tastiest, cleanest fast food for about a half-century. You went here after your prom/wedding/divorce proceedings. You CRAVE In-N-Out every now and then…and eating just any old burger doesn’t cut it. I refuse to believe that some hotshot new burger joint can dethrone the King of kings, my Love of loves. Long live In-N-Out.
So choose your side, man your battle stations, and be prepared for years of raging debates. Because I have a feeling that this argument will not die as easily as the delicious cows that they grind up into food for us.
*DISCLAIMER* I have never had Five Guys Burger and Fries. Believe me, I’m so biased that even if their food was better, I’d never admit it publicly. But now that there are a handful of Five Guys locations in Southern California, I will make it a priority to visit one, eat the food, and report back on how inferior it is. Journalistic credibility, holla back. Also, thanks to Flickr and Google search for our badass images. We don’t like to get our DSLRs greasy when we go to eat some In-N-Out.