The Internet’s Secret War: Some nutjobs actually think that Five Guys is better than In-N-Out
Deep, deep in the bowels of the newfangled world-wide-intrawebz, a gastric debate is slowly brewing in the hearts and minds of foodies, web forum members, and the l33+ kids on XBox Live.
People everywhere are drawing battle lines and taking sides in this most controversial of topics. It’s shaping up as a rivalry of sorts, one that internerds like me love to debate pointlessly about. Goku or Vegeta? Sox or Yanks (neither, DIAF)? Raw or strapped?
I’m talking about Five Guys Burgers and Fries, and its meteoric rise to fame. After becoming a cult favorite in the Virginia and Washington, D.C. areas, it has expanded aggressively to become known now as an “East Coast” thing. And by god, when they opened a few stores in Southern California and encroached on In-N-Out (which is very much a “WESTSIIIIIIIDE” kind of thing) territory, some turncoat SoCal blasphemers began to argue that Five Guys was superior in every way.
This offends me, because I’m a die-hard In-N-Out enthusiast. No, it’s not the best burger in the world. Yes, Five Guys probably has some tasty burgers. But In-N-Out is, in fact, the best-tasting, freshest, makes-you-feel-good fast-food burger in the nation. Yeah, I said it. My loyalties were forged long ago, in the heat of San Fernando Valley nights and an old-school, drive-thru-only In-N-Out in Panorama City.
Reasons why In-N-Out dominates after the jump.
1. Okay, the “secret” menu isn’t at all secret anymore. But the fact stands that, a long time ago at some ancient In-N-Out, a bunch of workers decided that they wanted to make their already awesome burgers even more awesome. Those pioneering bastards came up with stuff like “protein style” (wrapping a burger only in lettuce) and “animal style” (basically just going buck wild and adding/doing crazy shit to the standard burger). Not only did they invent new degrees of deliciousness, but the fact that there are some people who still don’t know what a Flying Dutchman or a Wishburger are means that some parts of the secret menu always will remain somewhat secret, a treasure in the hearts of real In-N-Out lovers everywhere.
2. Five Guys is way more expensive. ‘Nuff said.
3. In-N-Out has biblical quotes on the bottoms of all its paper items like cups and bags. Now, normally I’m all for the separation of church and plate, but you have to respect a company that’s all like “Fuck you, we make awesome burgers and we think Jesus would like them too. So if you don’t like it, piss off.” So not only does In-N-Out have a sense of morality, but they’re also kind of badass and secretive, like Yale’s Skull and Bones. Don’t tell me that that’s not cool.
4. Let’s face it. The only people on the West Coast who want to say that Five Guys is “better” are trendwhore nancies who just want to be up on the “new” thing. These are probably the same tools that just bought a fixie last year, claim that they’ve been down with Shepard Fairey since 2006, and wear their Wayfarers indoors. If anyone fitting this description talks about Five Guys, do me a favor and knee them in the balls and toss their bike into a woodchipper. Hipsters must die. I won’t lie though, that Five Guys Burger up there does look fairly tasty.
5. REAL. ICE CREAM. MILKSHAKES. MMMmmmmmmm.
6. This is one of the many keys to In-N-Out’s success. This secret variation on Russian dressing is generously dolloped on all In-N-Out burgers, and is thus is lovingly referred to as “spread”. I refuse to believe that it’s just plain Thousand Island dressing though. This shit is like Million Island dressing, it’s so good. And they come in little sealed packages now, so you can carry some around wherever you go…kind of like those ghetto people that carry around their own ranch and/or hot sauce. Best part is that no one would really care, because this stuff tastes better than angel cum.
7. C’mon. The place is a California institution, a bonafide classic. Five Guys probably has delicious burgers…but In-N-Out has been serving California the freshest, tastiest, cleanest fast food for about a half-century. You went here after your prom/wedding/divorce proceedings. You CRAVE In-N-Out every now and then…and eating just any old burger doesn’t cut it. I refuse to believe that some hotshot new burger joint can dethrone the King of kings, my Love of loves. Long live In-N-Out.
So choose your side, man your battle stations, and be prepared for years of raging debates. Because I have a feeling that this argument will not die as easily as the delicious cows that they grind up into food for us.
*DISCLAIMER* I have never had Five Guys Burger and Fries. Believe me, I’m so biased that even if their food was better, I’d never admit it publicly. But now that there are a handful of Five Guys locations in Southern California, I will make it a priority to visit one, eat the food, and report back on how inferior it is. Journalistic credibility, holla back. Also, thanks to Flickr and Google search for our badass images. We don’t like to get our DSLRs greasy when we go to eat some In-N-Out.
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Review of Five Guys Burgers | The Steel Closet added these pithy words on Sep 03 09 at 10:52 amI’m an In & Out fan on price alone, but I Gotta ride the five guys wave until In & Out makes it to Texas.Qeturah
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Aug 03 09 at
2:09 pm
It’s not your fault, we will definitely make the 5 Guys trip and give a more “objective” stand on this issue. We’ll probably still vote for In-N-Out.casanovaruffin
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Aug 03 09 at
2:32 pm
added these pithy words on ^ Our first fighting words of this post.casanovaruffin
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Aug 03 09 at
3:55 pm
excellent article. i don’t care that you haven’t had five guys burgers yet. you hit the nail on the head for sure. not a fanatic of in-n-out, but your points are right on…Margaret
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Aug 03 09 at
4:13 pm
I’m a New Yorker. I’ve tried 5 Guys and In N Out once each. Both are worthy of praise. I tried both after hearing a lot of hype. In N Out was very good but it left me a little disappointed. I respect that they use fresh ingredients and nothing is ever frozen. I just felt it was a little weak on the beef taste. I had it Animal style so maybe that took away from the burger. 5 Guys however stood up to the hype. Its was a great burger. Not the best I’ve ever had but a 4 out of 5. Put it this way, if the two places were next to each other I’d choose the 5 guys. Also it’s not an east coast thing since 5 Guys has really only started to make its presence known in NY in the past 6 months or so. In N Out is a Cali classic and when I think LA, I think In N Out. I’m all for a local classic so certainly respect your loyalty. Great article.HudsonValleyFoodBlog
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Aug 03 09 at
6:21 pm
I work at INO, so I admit that I am a bit biased, but In-N-Out rocks.deeree7
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Aug 03 09 at
6:45 pm
my favorite parts of this post are “million island dressing” and “angel cum”Owen JavellanaThat is gold, Worthington. GOLD.
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Aug 03 09 at
7:55 pm
Angel cum sounds A LOT better than angel jizz.casanovaruffin
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Aug 03 09 at
8:50 pm
Very well-written article article, but I hate you for giving me an In-N-Out craving while I’m stuck here in the Philippines and New York. Five Guys is not bad… it’s just not fresh and clean like In-N-Out is. [WARNING] dirty comments to follow: In-N-Out can come In-N-Out of me anytime. Five Guys just leaves me feeling… dirty. Ugh it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Haha why am I being gross??Krizia
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Aug 04 09 at
1:12 am
Now that I’m out on this coast I can say this: Five Guys can’t compete. More expensive, lower quality. Nuff said. The one thing it has going for it – orders of fries are MASSIVE. Works out because it’s at the bottom floor of a bar I like.Mark COther than that, it doesn’t scratch the surface of In-n-Out
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Aug 04 09 at
9:48 am
I just noticed that Alexander brought up the strapped vs. raw debate. WOW.casanovaruffinI’ve never had Five Guys either, but if it costs more than In-N-Out, that’s already a non-starter.
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Aug 04 09 at
11:48 am
d-rockadded these pithy words on Aug 04 09 at 1:48 pm
that’s a massive fail commentd-rock“Insert photo of AW3’s InO license plate frame”
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Aug 04 09 at
1:50 pm
WTF a blank comment? You now owe us a VIDEO comment with your apology.casanovaruffin
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Aug 04 09 at
2:07 pm
this makes me want to try 5guys even more now.Latarian Milton
hurry up and get back down here worthington so we can go on a mission to 5guys and try out them burgers
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Aug 04 09 at
3:09 pm
I’m an in n out girl, but 5 guys fries look kinda deliciousici
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Aug 04 09 at
8:43 pm
I echo Owen’s comment. The 5 Guys is probably delicious in a “This Is Why You’re Fat.com”, head to the doctor for Lipitor extreme dosage, would totally make a killing in the Midwest–especially Michigan–kind of way. But the thing is exactly that for me. Super delicious foods that will drive you straight to the ER for a massive double by-pass surgery isn’t my kind of delicious. I’d rather have a fresh, clean deliciousness rather than a drip all over your face, irrevocably stain your shirt sort of tastiness. So… In and Out Wins for me. I’m not into dingy, dirty, super sloppy yummy goodness. I like to taste my food, not my food taste to end up all over my hands and stuff.MaeAlso, I’m a Cali girl through and through (you know, minus the whole vegetarian thing), I have to hail to the king of clean, good yummyness. I’m sure if I get pregnant anytime soon, I’ll be itching for I&O burgers super hard!
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Aug 05 09 at
10:23 am
@Mae, do not deprive your baby of INO. He’ll become like a superhero or something.casanovaruffin
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Aug 05 09 at
11:01 am
I live in MI, feel like Fedexing me some I&O when I haz preggerz?Mae
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Aug 05 09 at
11:14 am
HAHAHAHA that sounds like A VERY BAD idea.casanovaruffin
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Aug 05 09 at
2:25 pm
It warms my buns to see so many people declaring their loyalty to In-N-Out. And yes, like D-Rock says, I actually do have an I-N-O license plate…although sadly it doesn’t get you much props when you head to the drive through. Mostly people just ask if that is why I’m fat. I’ll put it up one of these days.Alexander Worthington iii
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Aug 05 09 at
4:02 pm
I confirmed yesterday during a late dinner that INO does in fact taste better than angel cum.D-Rock
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Aug 06 09 at
11:14 pm
The more you use the phrase, the more disturbing it becomes. I think that’s why we haven’t stopped yet.casanovaruffin
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Aug 07 09 at
12:15 am
added these pithy words on Just moved from LA to Portland, and the 5 guys here is quite tasty, BUT In and Out is superior in almost every way, grew up on it, and crave it constantly. 5 guys fries are tasteless and super greasy. They give you a lot, but I think it’s to make up for the fact they’re no good. And where the hell is the drive thru?? I will admit the fresh deseeded jalapenos are a nice touch though.DodgerBlue
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Aug 07 09 at
7:48 pm
Two opposing comments above. Let’s fight this war to the death.casanovaruffin
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Aug 07 09 at
8:07 pm
added these pithy words on I live in DC and eat Five Guys a lot and I love it. However, around here the battle is between Five Guys and ZBurger (which Five Guys clearly is a million times better). Anyway, I’ve had an INO burger and loved it. The fresh ingredients, the sauce, even the little pouch the burger is in. Also, it is much cheaper than Five Guys. And even though it does have shakes, Five Guys has hot dogs, bacon cheeseburger, a mean grilled cheese, and CAJUN FRIES!!! Those fried are incredibly delicious and they give you a whole bag-full. The burger is also made from fresh ingredients and although it is greasy, it tastes soooo good. I’ve always said that Five Guys was the best fast food burger 2nd to INO because of their legendary status. But now, I would have to say they’re pretty much equal.ClintoPortis
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Aug 08 09 at
7:31 am
^ Did dude just say BK all day? We’re gonna thoroughly investigate which is truly better, even though we know In-N-Out is better. We’re not biased though.casanovaruffin
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Aug 08 09 at
6:05 pm
I live in NY and when I crave IN-N-OUT I go to Five Guys and try to make a fake Double-Double. It doesn’t really work, but I can fool myself for a second. Maybe. I close my eyes, grit my teeth, and think of the Valley.innouterIt’s like a man having sex with his wife but thinking of Angelina Jolie.
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Aug 08 09 at
9:05 pm
I work at fiveguys. I like it a lot. I will agree, I think they are overhyped. I moved to Virginia from maine-no five guys there. My friends took me to five guys telling me it was the best-i was pissed to pay $10 for a drink, fries and a soda. And i didn’t think the burger was anything special-it tasted exactly the same as the cornerstore deli i used to live by in maine. i’ve never heard of in-N-out, but i’d like to try it. and there are so many things that aren’t on the five guys menu that we could easily make but we don’t because corporate thinks it would take away from the heart of five guys.Jon
anyhoo-i’ve grown to like fiveguys, it is really tasty and filling-and the burgers aren’t overpriced-the burger lures the victim, the fries and drink steal the innocence from your wallet-it will never be the same again.
i like five guys a lot-best burgers though are at red robin.
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Aug 08 09 at
11:48 pm
@innouter YOU ARE THE MAN! You can’t fool yourself. I agree. Having Angelina Jolie sex in your mouth is not quite the same as having wife sex in your mouth.casanovaruffin@Jon I just cringed when you said $10 for a drink, fries, and soda. Did you type that correctly?
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Aug 09 09 at
10:34 am
@casanova He meant for Burger Fries Drink. That’s about what it costs….FOR ONE PERSON. You can feed a family of 3 with $10 at In-N-Out.innouter
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Aug 09 09 at
11:55 am
Yes I meant burger fries and drink oops. Nonetheless Five Guys is charging crack prices for their burgers.casanovaruffin
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Aug 09 09 at
1:31 pm
Sorrrryyy, but FIVE GUYS is a Mans Burger. Five Guys Fries don’t suck like In n outs. Ill get my milk shakes from anywhere else.Mark from Torrance, CA
oh yeah and Jesus and Fast Food just doesnt cut it. jesus anywhere doesnt cut it but thats another thingy thing.
peace out losers.
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Aug 24 09 at
2:38 pm
Had my first 5 guys today. Good but no where near in n out.nemo
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Sep 08 09 at
7:31 pm
Hey Nemo, late to the party, but ur testimony furthers our cause…which is to be unpaid advertisment for in-n-out. Haha.casanovaruffin
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Sep 08 09 at
9:40 pm
@Mark from Torrance – give me some of what you’re smoking because I’d love to drop the pain of eating a 5 guys burger and knowing that it’s second rate. Until you get me the connect for that ish though, I guess 5 Guys is a man’s burger…poor man’s that is…or a rich man who can afford to pay for overpriced food.Mark C
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Sep 14 09 at
12:03 pm
YOU LUCKY SOBs ! any one of you who lives on the west side where there is an in-n-out are very priveleged. i dont have that in florida ! we only have freaking five guys burgers, which is the best burger joint on the eastern seabord. you see, i must visit cali or some place on the east coast where i can eat this beautiful, delcious, work of art, from God, piece of food.Daedalus
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Sep 18 09 at
1:57 pm
I love In-N-Out and have been a long vocal opponent of anyone that dares say they aren’t the best fast food burger… but last week in Denver I tried the regional fast food chain “Good Times” and they’re better. The meat is so tasty!someguy
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Sep 29 09 at
12:07 am
FUUUCK. Currently living in DC and has had the 5 guys experience, but fuck man…. In-N-Out, In-N-Ooooout… The debate posed by this posT is so pertinent to my life RIGHT NOW. KUDOS. But I still can’t decide. Fuck I’ll eat anything, NVM. BTWz, mad props on the Kriss Kross banner. I hope I get the black guy avatARRRRr this time.PaulineI MISS CALIFORNIALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
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Sep 29 09 at
9:43 am
NOPE. atill that dude with the grasses. awww.Pauline
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Sep 29 09 at
9:44 am
but i like him too so it’s ok. i’m really bored in my cubicle. thank you steel post for making me not kill myself.Pauline
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Sep 29 09 at
9:45 am
hahahaha u should make ur own avatar.casanovaruffin
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Sep 29 09 at
10:14 am
I left Cali in 1990; still miss that In & Out burger!!Christian
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Oct 06 09 at
10:43 am
Its just this simple. where did that lettuce come from? California. where did the tomatoes come from? California. Onions? California.INO Store 87 AlumWhy do people go to farmers markets? Fresher is better. INO food is from farm to face in 24 hours, you just cant beat that on the east coast, its impossible.
I live in pgh, and have yet to spend a dime on 5 guys. yet the moment I land back in Cali its my first stop. Simple to the point.
Saying 5 Guys is better than INO is like that “funfetti” frosting by Pillsbury is better than the real Betty Crocker rainbow chip, with the little frosting balls. NO WAY!
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Oct 19 09 at
7:21 am
@INO Store 87, so what’s gonna happen when they take INO public? Will the fresh ingredient model remain?casanovaruffin
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Oct 19 09 at
8:34 am
I’m just going to have to disagree with this post. Five Guys is better. I did a direct comparison on my blog. Check it out. http://url4t.com/eay.Jesse
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Oct 20 09 at
5:40 am
Five Guys: better foodJeremy
In-N-Out: better valueThat’s really all there is to it. I’ve eaten at both places enough times to really know what to expect.
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Dec 09 09 at
3:15 pm
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