Five Gestures That Only Work on Film
WORDS BY OWEN JAVELLANA
It’s been said that “Life imitates art.” It should also be added that, in some cases, imitating art can get you slapped, shunned, or possibly court martialed. Think twice before trying these textbook movie gestures in your everyday life.
The “This is For Your Own Good” Punch
Sometimes, friends don’t let friends join the climatic battle of a movie. Especially when it’s “too dangerous” for a minor character like him. The solution? One swift punch while he’s distracted should knock him unconscious for the exact amount of time you need to complete your heroic sacrifice.
Often Preceded By: You somberly saying “Sorry,” and your friend gullibly taking the bait by saying “Sorry for what?” and you springing the trap by saying “FOR THIS.”
Often Followed By: Him waking up in time to see you save the day and to forgive you for the concussion.
The “Man, This Situation is Intense” Face Wash
[via {Roman}'s flickr]
Earth-shattering news, impossible odds, and looming catastrophe can shake a person to their very core. Apparently, it can also make your face feel dirty. Despite the pressing conflict, excuse yourself to the restroom, and splash water on your face. Remember to look somber though, this isn’t a Neutrogena commercial.
Often Preceded By: Intensity.
Often Followed By: You staring gravely at the mirror, in grim, angsty self-reflection. Unless it’s a horror movie, in which case there will unfailingly be a ghost in the mirror.
The “That Joke Sums Up Our Recent Adventure” Laugh
It’s important to end on a good note. That being said, if someone says a joke that loosely refers to the wacky hijinx that you and your friends just experienced, you should respond with 800 times the laughter it and enthusiasm it deserves.
Often Preceded By: Some mundane pun or reference that isn’t funny out of context (or in context, for that matter). Like “Something tells me the sheriff won’t be ordering the cheesecake!” or “Next time you come over for tea, be sure to bring your OWN parachute!” or “Another costume party? Not a GHOST of a chance!”
Often Followed By: A freeze frame and the executive producer credits.
The “I’m Probably Gonna Die” Kiss
It’s an unspoken rule that if you’re going to go sacrifice yourself by doing something very heroic and idiotically dangerous, you get to kiss A) The person you’ve been hiding your feelings for, or B) Some random hot girl grossly out of your league.
Often Preceded By: You resolving to save the day by, like, jumping into a volcano for some reason. Or fighting off an alien invasion with nothing but explosives and rock music.
Often Followed By: The random hot girl NOT slapping you (as per the unspoken rule). In fact, she’ll either end up falling for you or be shown with a single tear at your funeral.
The “I’m Definitely Going to Die” Cough
Sometimes you need to allude to possible danger. Other times, you need to foreshadow the hell out of your own, certain doom. A subtle, uncalled-for cough during a quiet, low key moment (possibly with blood!) is the classy way to let the audience know you’re not gonna make it.
Often Preceded By: You assuring your young, healthy friends and family that you’re fine, and that they should go on ahead.
Often Followed By: You dying.
Keep in mind that these are just guidelines. While there are no hard-and-fast rules about when to punch or not punch your friends, remember that movies and television are often meant to be enjoyed as works of escapism, and real life rarely calls for such drastic, dramatic displays. Unless of course, those aliens finally attack, then all bets are friggin’ off.
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[...] thing more serious than a Steven Seagal movie is Steven Seagal looking into a mirror and doing the “Man, this is intense” face wash. Or maybe a Seagal movie marathon on [...]
Seven Things Vanessa Hudgens Should Do Next | The Steel Closet added these pithy words on Sep 01 09 at 1:55 pmFive Gestures That Only Work on Film | The Steel Closet…
Yeah, most of these wouldn’t work in real life….
pligg.com added these pithy words on Sep 16 09 at 3:55 pm
I’m pretty sure the face wash is the only plausible one. Now it’s time to put yourself in an intense situation.casanovaruffin
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Aug 05 09 at
1:44 pm
The “Man, this is intense” face wash happens in almost every episode of Battlestar Galactica. I can’t believe I never picked up on it until now.Alexander Worthington iii
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Aug 05 09 at
4:04 pm
I’m probably gonna die… Ok I’m ready for my tongue kiss.casanovaruffin
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Aug 05 09 at
8:05 pm
So funny, great article. Especially the I am probably going to die look.hangover cure
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Aug 05 09 at
8:58 pm
Why thanks for the compliment, tell ur friends about us.casanovaruffin
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Aug 05 09 at
9:13 pm
I hope to use all of these during the next natural/alien disaster.ici
Also the coughing guy looks like Ron Howard.@alexander worthington Haha! So true.
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Aug 05 09 at
11:12 pm
and when the coughing guy dies, when they bring out his coffin at the funeral, you can sayOwen Javellana
“And I thought we’d had enough COUGHIN’ for one day!”Cue the “That Joke Sums Up Our Recent Adventure” Laughter.
Executive Producer: Jeff Franklin
added these pithy words on
Aug 06 09 at
1:43 am
Looks like SOMEBODY hasn’t heard about a little masterpiece called “The Man Who Had a Cough That’s Just a Cough and He’s Fine”:Carrie
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Aug 06 09 at
2:28 am
@Carrie, thank you for pointing us to the grand production that was, “The Man Who Had a Cough That’s Just a Cough and He’s Fine”casanovaruffin@Owen “What ever happened to predictibility? The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV.”
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Aug 06 09 at
9:24 am
One more gesture that only works on film: the “slow clap that rapidly turns into a rapid, raucous clap”Alexander Worthington iii
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Aug 06 09 at
10:11 pm
I am soooo going to punch my friend in the face tonight!El Di PabloWhat was this artical about again?
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Aug 07 09 at
6:20 am
Thank you for stealing a photo off my flickr page.Roman
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Oct 02 09 at
8:09 pm
Nice article, if the above comment is true you should really attribute.Troy
added these pithy words on
Oct 03 09 at
2:03 am
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