Seven Things Vanessa Hudgens Should Do Next
As reported last week, Vanessa Hudgens has a chronic case of clothesaphobia. I, for one, am ecstatic that such an ambitious, level-headed, intelligent young woman coincidentally loves to take nude photos of herself and share them with the perv- I mean, the internet bloggers of the world.
But…c’mon. She can’t honestly expect us to believe that these pictures just “accidentally” “leaked” again. I’m convinced that this is all just a promotional tool to get people to understand that she’s not just a High School Musical Girl anymore. She’s a serious Hollywood actress. Seriously. Y’know, because nothing says “serious” like flashing your hoo-ha on camera.
So, because I know for a fact that Vanessa’s publicist’s cousin’s half-brother’s friend reads The Steel Closet, I’ve listed out Seven Things That Vanessa Hudgens Should Do To Be Taken Seriously By Hollywood And Internet Celebrity Bloggers, organized in ascending order of importance. This is all scientifically proven, as these steps have helped various celebrities rise from marginal obscurity to superstardom. Chea.
Stuff that Vanessa should do after the break.
Number Seven: Make a Sex Tape
Well, this should be obvious. Paris Hilton was pretty much a nobody until her tape came out. Now she’s a nobody that everyone hates, but can’t get away from. Plus, Vanessa Hudgens has already proven that she doesn’t mind showing off her goodies…so why not put out a tape with someone getting their hand caught in her cookie jar?
Number Six: Steal clothes…and get away with it
I remember when Winona got caught for shoplifting, I just went, “Awwwwww Winona! That’s so cute.” There’s nothing more adorable than hearing about your favorite celeb getting caught committing petty felonies, having it turn into a pop-culture movement (I still want a Free Winona shirt), and watching her sit through her trial looking super-cute and proclaiming that she’s innocent (even though security tapes CLEARLY prove her guilt). Plus, she’s a celebrity, so she’ll get away with it. Everyone knows that the Founding Fathers created Constitutional loopholes exonerating public celebrities from crimes that they’re clearly guilty of.
Number Five: Commit corporate fraud…and get away with it
Steal money from your investors, get investigated by the SEC, suffer through ZERO repercussions…and then become even more rich via your TV show, magazine, cookware, various other self-branded products and the rest of your media empire. If it worked for Martha Stewart, it can work for ‘Nessa.
Number Four: Organize dog fights…and kind of get away with it
Michael Vick organized dog fights in his backyard, went to jail, went bankrupt and lost everything…but was recently just re-instated into the NFL. So he can play football again, and make millions of dollars…again. He’s the football equivalent of Mickey Rourke. Or Tom Sizemore. Or Mel Gibson. You can be a lunatic in Hollywood, piss away all the good credit you build up with the public, and eventually come back to become more popular than ever. Like R. Kelly. Or Michael Jackson. And eventually Chris Brown. Speaking of which…
Number Three: Beat the $#!+ out of your significant other…and say sorry for it
Yes, that’s a chain that says, “OOPS!”. I predict his next album will sell eleventy gazillion copies. And let’s be honest here…I think we all wouldn’t mind seeing Zac Efron getting his pretty little faced beaten in. That scrawny fruit can probably get his ass kicked by a tiny 20 year old girl…oh hey! That’s exactly the girl that he’s dating. Take ‘im, Hudgie.
Number Two: Murder someone…and definitely not get away with it
Nothing says, “I’m SERIOUS. Seriously” like murdering your ex-wife and her supposed lover. And then leading the LAPD on the most infamous freeway chase ever, and instigating a race war the likes of which haven’t been seen since the Civil War. If Vanessa Hudgens ever marries Zac Efron, I think I’d be okay with her murdering him. Think how many interviews and book deals she’ll get! She’ll never have to put out another nude picture again.
Number One: Star in a movie with Steven Seagal and/or make a music video with DMX and/or Ja Rule
This is the pinnacle of a Hollywood career. Steven Seagal is the most serious actor EVER. Look at that face. He has the emotional range of a teaspoon. And with DMX / Ja Rule? No one in Hollywood has been successful without having starred in a film that has DMX or Ja Rule on the soundtrack. Seagal never ages, never wears anything but black, and never stars in a movie that doesn’t have gangsters or terrorists. The only thing more serious than a Steven Seagal movie is Steven Seagal looking into a mirror and doing the “Man, this is intense” face wash. Or maybe a Seagal movie marathon on AMC.
Vanessa Hudgens, you will be the Perfect Storm of Hollywood careers. Commit literally EVERY mistake that can be made, and you will become unforgettable. People stop focusing on your perky breasts and incredibly petite physique, and focus only on the fact that you got away with it. And by “it”, I mean everything. Listen to Worthington…and you will go far. Very far indeed.