Top 10 Anti-Vampire Weapons
WORDS BY OWEN JAVELLANA
Why make this list? Because if you are a female between the ages of 13 and 30, there’s a good chance you’ve read Twilight. And if you are a male living in the proximity of said Twilight fans, chances are you’ve thought about killing Edward Cullen. I present you with options.
10. Blade’s Glaive – From The Blade Trilogy
As my 8-bit memories of the Legend of Zelda games assure me, boomerangs are very practical weapons. Replace Link with Wesley Snipes at his stoic, flat-topped best, and you get Blade’s glaive, a silver throwing weapon that’s a gem for any vamp hunter/fantasy knife collector/Aboriginal Australian.
9. The Scythe – From Buffy the Vampire Slayer
This magical space-saver is one-stop shopping: Axey in the front, stakey in the back. I like everything about this weapon except for its name. At no point is it “scythey” at all. …GET IT? At no point?!?!?
8. The Auto-Crossbow – From Van Hellsing
A history lesson: Long before the Gatling gun showed the world how awesome rapid-fire was, Gabriel “Wolverine” Van Hellsing was ripping up bloodsuckers with this souped-up rendition of medieval ass-kickery.
7. Vampire Killer – From Castlevania
Points for straightforwardness. They could’ve called this thing something fancy, like “Heaven’s Flail” or “The Scourge of the Fallen” or “God’s Whoopin’ Belt.” Instead, the whip from the Castlevania videogame series gets straight to the vampiricidal point.
6. Auto Stake – From From Dusk Til Dawn
Tired of operating a wooden stake with your bare hands like some sort of barbarian caveman? Well, simply attach said stake to any old jackhammer you have lying around the house, and go to town with the most phallic weapon on the list.
5. Holy Water Bazooka – From Lost Boys: The Tribe
I’m not sure where you would find a regular-water bazooka, but once you find one I imagine it’s a simple process to switch the water out, or bring the bazooka to church and have the existing water blessed. I’m sure they get requests for that all the time.
4. UV Arc – From Blade Trinity
Until scientists get off their asses and invent the lightsaber already, we’ll have to make do with this slightly more feasible laser-looking thing. In between the two doodads there’s a beam of UV light that’s 8 times hotter than the surface of Jessica Biel. Apply generously to vampire for results.
3. UV Rounds – From Underworld
For the holy warrior who prefers to keep it gangsta, load up your nickel-plated 9 with a clip of these bad boys. As the name implies, these bullets explode with ultraviolet light, frying vamps extra crispy on impact. Also they glow, so you could carry’em around at raves, or while crossing the street at night.
2. The Casull and the Jackal – From Hellsing
While we’re on the subject of guns, few are as ridonkulous as Alucard’s handguns from the manga/anime Hellsing. They fire “steel bullets bearing a core made from the melted silver Christian cross from Lancaster Cathedral” and “13 mm armor-piercing, explosive, mercury-core baptized bullets, with casings of Macedonian silver,” which I can only assume is a good thing.
1. Solar Power – From any good vampire story… *ahem*…
It’s not just for calculators.
And before you Twilighters push up your metaphorical glasses, I KNOW these won’t necessarily kill a Twilight vamp (“How to kill a vampire in Twilight?” was already posted in Yahoo Answers). But as long as I’m imagining they’re real, I’m imagining they’ll die. Make-believe is fun!