• Top 10 Anti-Vampire Weapons

    WORDS BY OWEN JAVELLANA

    antivampire

    Why make this list? Because if you are a female between the ages of 13 and 30, there’s a good chance you’ve read Twilight. And if you are a male living in the proximity of said Twilight fans, chances are you’ve thought about killing Edward Cullen. I present you with options.

    10. Blade’s Glaive – From The Blade Trilogy

    BladeGlaive

    As my 8-bit memories of the Legend of Zelda games assure me, boomerangs are very practical weapons. Replace Link with Wesley Snipes at his stoic, flat-topped best, and you get Blade’s glaive, a silver throwing weapon that’s a gem for any vamp hunter/fantasy knife collector/Aboriginal Australian.

    9. The Scythe – From Buffy the Vampire Slayer

    buffy scythe

    This magical space-saver is one-stop shopping: Axey in the front, stakey in the back. I like everything about this weapon except for its name. At no point is it “scythey” at all. …GET IT? At no point?!?!?

    8. The Auto-Crossbow – From Van Hellsing

    van helsing crossbow

    A history lesson: Long before the Gatling gun showed the world how awesome rapid-fire was, Gabriel “Wolverine” Van Hellsing was ripping up bloodsuckers with this souped-up rendition of medieval ass-kickery.

    7. Vampire Killer – From Castlevania

    Vampirekillerwhip

    Points for straightforwardness. They could’ve called this thing something fancy, like “Heaven’s Flail” or “The Scourge of the Fallen” or “God’s Whoopin’ Belt.” Instead, the whip from the Castlevania videogame series gets straight to the vampiricidal point.

    6. Auto Stake – From From Dusk Til Dawn

    fdtd_stake copy

    Tired of operating a wooden stake with your bare hands like some sort of barbarian caveman? Well, simply attach said stake to any old jackhammer you have lying around the house, and go to town with the most phallic weapon on the list.

    5. Holy Water Bazooka – From Lost Boys: The Tribe

    holy water bazooka copy

    I’m not sure where you would find a regular-water bazooka, but once you find one I imagine it’s a simple process to switch the water out, or bring the bazooka to church and have the existing water blessed. I’m sure they get requests for that all the time.

    4. UV Arc – From Blade Trinity

    uv arc display

    Until scientists get off their asses and invent the lightsaber already, we’ll have to make do with this slightly more feasible laser-looking thing. In between the two doodads there’s a beam of UV light that’s 8 times hotter than the surface of Jessica Biel. Apply generously to vampire for results.

    3. UV Rounds – From Underworld

    uv rounds

    For the holy warrior who prefers to keep it gangsta, load up your nickel-plated 9 with a clip of these bad boys. As the name implies, these bullets explode with ultraviolet light, frying vamps extra crispy on impact. Also they glow, so you could carry’em around at raves, or while crossing the street at night.

    2. The Casull and the Jackal – From Hellsing

    Casull and Jackal

    While we’re on the subject of guns, few are as ridonkulous as Alucard’s handguns from the manga/anime Hellsing. They fire “steel bullets bearing a core made from the melted silver Christian cross from Lancaster Cathedral” and “13 mm armor-piercing, explosive, mercury-core baptized bullets, with casings of Macedonian silver,” which I can only assume is a good thing.

    1. Solar Power – From any good vampire story… *ahem*…

    It’s not just for calculators.

    guy on fire

    And before you Twilighters push up your metaphorical glasses, I KNOW these won’t necessarily kill a Twilight vamp (“How to kill a vampire in Twilight?” was already posted in Yahoo Answers). But as long as I’m imagining they’re real, I’m imagining they’ll die. Make-believe is fun!

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    Comments ( 56 )

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    TIE Institute added these pithy words on Mar 16 15 at 11:43 am
    1. i clicked your read more button with much excitement

    2. I vote for the UV Arc and anything used on the hit series WB Buffy the Vampire Slayer

    s.willzNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 27 09 at 11:25 am
    I vote for Wesley Snipes’s haircut.

    casanovaruffinNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 27 09 at 2:01 pm
    Because the terrible New Moon trailer is still fresh in my mind, I vote for shirtless werewolves!

    In a serious world I’d vote for the Holy Water bazooka.

    iciNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 27 09 at 2:35 pm
    Sadly, I haven’t read or seen any Twilight related stuff. But Owen, I just have to say that I LOVE your posts. And haha to “Heaven’s Flail.” Best sounding weapon ever.

    KriziaNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 27 09 at 9:35 pm
    My favorite was the Auto-CrossBow. Van Helsing was one helluva shooter.

    casanovaruffinNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 27 09 at 10:02 pm
    This is such a fun post, now I’m prepared for any vampire invasions! :P

    xoxo,
    S-C

    Susanna-ColeNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 28 09 at 6:26 am
    This post was actually really fun to write… looking for pictures of George Clooney’s jackhammer? not as fun.

    and i’m inclined to choose the Vampire Killer, for that drawing alone.

    Owen JavellanaNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 28 09 at 9:14 pm
    All these weapons are so cool! They definitely top my idea of garlic related weapons like guns filled with garlic bullets, which seem more of an annoyance than anything. Though, in the case of a vampire attack in late July, patronizing the Gilroy Garlic Festival seems like a very good idea.

    michelleNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 29 09 at 1:10 am
    add the Boktai game’s Gun del Sol and we are set.

    XIIINo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 29 09 at 10:54 am
    LOL #11. Garlic fries.

    casanovaruffinNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 29 09 at 1:26 pm
    okay that is ridiculous that yahoo can tell you how to kill a twlight vampire! why the hell would someone ask that and if they are asking that it means they havent read the books or watched the film so its like why are they asking?! x

    rebeccaNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 31 09 at 3:09 am
    They’re asking because…why would you read the books? or Watch the film? ZING!

    casanovaruffinNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 31 09 at 9:09 am
    The “scythe” is actually a Bullova

    stevenNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 31 09 at 5:26 pm
    ok on the auto-crossbow watch the move van helsing again and see the gattling gun in the lab.

    moral of story watch the movie!!!!

    ps: all the weapons are real cool.

    deamonNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 19 09 at 4:21 pm
    ok on the auto-crossbow watch the movie van helsing again and see the gattling gun in the lab.

    moral of story watch the movie!!!!

    ps: all the weapons are real cool.

    deamonNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 19 09 at 4:21 pm
    OMG. I totally missed this post. BOO.

    MaekoNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 20 09 at 11:56 am
    Auto Crossbow is kickass *right above uv rounds*. Van Hellsing is one hell of a vampire hunter.

    jaredNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Jul 16 10 at 9:37 am
    Required armour
    Clothing which smells like garlic (Use jackets so that their darn fangs dont kill ya LOL)
    any weapon which is listed on that article
    Magic
    A CRAPLOAD of garlic and a stake if you don’t have any other weapons
    (optional) A werewolf if you don’t have these cause they’re the world’s most greatest vamp slayers alive! (or never existed =P)

    That’s the REAL way to kill a vampire my friend…

    a badass werewolfNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Nov 05 10 at 1:43 am
    UV rounds from Underworld??! Awesome!

    Giclee CanvasNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Nov 11 10 at 8:35 am
    Can’t place holy water as a true weapon against Vampire’s but just something that would slow them down for a short period.Vampire High The Best Vampire Story Ever

    Jo GroenewoudNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Dec 04 10 at 5:33 am
    “steel bullets bearing a core made from the melted silver Christian cross from Lancaster Cathedral” and “13 mm armor-piercing, explosive, mercury-core baptized bullets, with casings of Macedonian silver,”

    Better safe than sorry I guess! lol

    canvas printsNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Dec 06 10 at 3:09 am
    these weapons are so good and best for Anti vampire.i like to read informative blogs and this blog is also so good and helpful.thanks for taking time to discus this topic..

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    Thanks for sharing this information. Very interesting post. Please keep writing.

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    Because the terrible New Moon trailer is still fresh in my mind, I vote for shirtless werewolves!

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    Please keep posting about this matter. Very useful information.

    teatroNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Dec 10 11 at 4:37 am
    Not to put too fine a point on it but, wouldn’t AIDS kill a Twilight vampire?

    MarkNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Jan 07 12 at 5:57 am
    Thanks for the list.

    The only one I would disagree with is your number 1, Solar Power. It might defeat the newer, wimpy vampires but any of the older vampires from before the Twentieth century, like Dracula and Carmilla can go out during the day.

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