In The Shadow of Mount Doom: Steel Closet @ Five Guys Burger
I am a man of my word. After runnin’ my mouth on a previous episode of The Steel Closet, I decided to back it up by heading to Five Guys during a visit to L.A. a few weeks ago. My brother, Latarian Milton, accompanied me as we set out to see what all the hype was about, to see if this Five Guys burger was worth the one-hour drive from Northridge to Carson.
Did I defect from the house that Animal Style built? Did I shame West Coast believers everywhere? Did I eat too much to move?
Answers (and lots of burger porn) after the break.
Sun-obscuring smog and muggy humidity = eat outdoors. L.A., oh how I missed thee…
My rice rocket, a.k.a. the Steel Sled, the Stallion from the Land of the Rising Sun, or the Erotic Econobox. One of my best friends gave me that license plate frame in high school, and I’ve been rocking it ever since. WORD IS BOND, son.
Like In N Out, the menu is refreshingly simple. Hamburgers or cheeseburgers, with or without bacon, hot dogs, fries and drinks. Each burger comes with two patties (unless you ask for junior-sized portions with only one patty), and come with your choice of toppings: lettuce, tomato, sauces, raw or grilled onions, mushrooms, and jalapenos to name a few. Pick as many or as little toppings as you like…there’s no additional charge.
Complimentary dry-roasted ball-park style peanuts. I’d normally be wary of any place that offers pre-meal snacky-snacks (bread, crackers, those weird fried noodles at Chinese restaurants) because you can accidentally fill yourself up too quickly, or distract your tastebuds from the meal up ahead. But c’mon…BALL PARK PEANUTS. I had to have a few.
Traitorous swine! Uhm, I mean, crayon-wielding folk testifying their love for Five Guys.
“Is there cover? Shit. Are the drinks expensive? DAMNIT. How hot are the girls though? Oh….damn, really? Okay I’m down.”
Fixin’ up a spread.
I CAN HAS BURGERS?!
The seasoned fries definitely have a lot of kick to them. I’d say they were a little over-seasoned…but since the seasoning is optional, that’s not really a knock against 5G. The fries are fresh, hand-cut, and fried in pure peanut oil. It’s basically a burlier version of the In-N-Out fry. They’re VERY good.
I went with a bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, mayo, ketchup, and grilled onions. A weird thing about Five Guys is that they literally put NOTHING on the burger unless you ask. So if you want lettuce, tomato, and ketchup on your burger, you gotta ask for it…otherwise you’re just getting a patty and a slice of cheese between bread. It’s all included in the price though, so you can customize your burger and no food or ingredients are wasted. Kinda annoying, but also very cost cutting and earth friendly.
My brother and I are not small people. We eat a LOT. We ordered the large order of seasoned fries to share and barely finished them. You’ve been warned.
My brother went the meatasaurus route, a bacon cheeseburger with grilled onions, jalapenos, and bbq sauce (I think).
The burgers aren’t huge…but with two very hearty meat patties, it does sneak up on you. Real burger connoiseurs are aware of the importance of the Golden Meat-to-Fillers Ratio.
IIRC, the meat patties are hand-formed as well. The burger tastes a lot like something you’d get at a friend’s backyard bbq. Grilled flavor, fresh meat and fresh ingredients. Tasty.
Worthington in action.
So what’s the verdict? I still like In-N-Out better.
Surprise, surprise right? But here’s the thing: Five Guys burgers is VERY good. In fact, it’s REALLY good. But unfortunately, the high quality has a correspondingly high price. Two bacon cheeseburgers, a large fry to share and a large drink to share came in at just under $18. That’s a lot of money to spend on fast food. And the flavor is not really that unique – like I said, it tastes like a backyard-BBQ-burger. That’s not bad…except that I’d rather have a backyard BBQ burger at someone’s backyard BBQ, not a fast food chain. The customization options with all the extra toppings is nice, but not enough to warrant the price. Although, I do have to say that the portions are pretty monstrous…can’t hate on that.
If you’re in Southern California and are DYING to try it, please do. Especially those of you who are gastronomically gifted – it’s a lot of money, but it’s also a LOT of food. I think it’s worth at least one visit. But after that, just go to In-N-Out or Fatburger (shit, maybe even the Original Tommy’s) if you’re craving some ground and grilled bovine products.
LONG LIVE I-N-O!
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The east side here, home of Five Guys, and I’ve been to your side of the island, In-N-Out requires you to know secret “Animal Style” codes and as far as I can tell doesn’t offer free peanuts. Five Guys FTW.AM
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Sep 03 09 at
11:33 am
those chips look gorgeous! i dont really understand youre whole fast food debate of which one is best coz im english and we have totally different fast food places here and also i dont eat fast food so i cant even tell you what is the best place to go to in england! i can understand though why it is a matter of great discussion if you eat out at these places alot. id just rather have a starbucks latte and a fruit salad for lunch than a big meaty meal. see you then xrebecca
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Sep 03 09 at
12:05 pm
bbq sauce? MUSHROOMS damnit. awesome .gif thoughLatarian Milton
the burgers are good, although i didnt quite enjoy the raw jalapenos, i thought they would be the less spicy pickled ones. but it was still a tasty burger.
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Sep 03 09 at
1:51 pm
glad to here a shout out to Tommy Burgers. my dad used to bring me back a chili cheese burger every week from his commute from LAaamadeus
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Sep 03 09 at
2:43 pm
5guys is fantastic. I love in-and-out-urge, but, here on the east coast we’re left out in the cold.kimwim
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Sep 03 09 at
3:39 pm
@AM Lol there’s no code or secret handshake. You just ask for animal style and they serve you angel cum. Simple as that.casanovaruffin
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Sep 03 09 at
3:41 pm
added these pithy words on Big ups to my brother Latarian Milton for DSLRing while I got my grub on. Half of these pictures are his. Just overlook the fact that I forgot to fix the white balance on these.Alexander Worthington iii
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Sep 04 09 at
1:21 pm
that actually looks really good… i’d definitely give it a try if i was in Carson.owen javellanaand I had 18 dollars.
and a friend.
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Sep 05 09 at
3:12 pm
hahahaha. Good Lawd that’s a lot of money.casanovaruffin
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Sep 05 09 at
5:09 pm
The Earth Friendly part caught me off guard; I like the concept of no waste, but considering the price for a base model with no options… Hmm.MaekoIn and Out still rules, and this is coming from a vegetarian who vomits at the sight of a burger (reformed Filipina RABID CARNIVORE).
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Sep 09 09 at
8:59 pm
“like I said, it tastes like a backyard-BBQ-burger.”Raiders757I just can’t help myself, so I’m very sorry.
BBQing is a method of cooking, not the device said meat is cooked on, nor is it what one is having when friends get together to have burgers and dogs.
When your having people over for Burgers and dogs, your having a “cookout”, and your cooking them on a “grill”. Your not BBQing unless your cooking slow and low, which is not the norm for such fair as burgers and dogs.
sorry about the rant, but it kills me a little inside everytime I hear some Yank or North Westerner abuse the term BBQ in such a way. I a ma grill/pit master, and BBQ is my game. It’s time people stop insulting it in such a way.
Cheers!!
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Oct 20 09 at
3:11 pm
You get what you pay for… I prefer TO PAY MORE FOR BETTER QUALITY. EVERYONE KNOWS FIVE GUYS IS THE BESTTER QUALITY BURGER AND FOR SURE THE FRIES. IT IS JUST THAT MOST I&O BURGER RATS ARE BROKE AND ARE FOCUSING ON THE COST.Thomas
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Jul 23 10 at
5:17 pm
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