WORDS BY OWEN JAVELLANA

In these dark times of recession, war, global warming, and a Jonas Brothers TV series, it’s easy to feel that the world is on a Lindsay Lohan-esque downward spiral. But when the glass seems half empty, remember: it could always be worse. Here are scenarios of how it could all hit the fan, on a global scale.

10. Natural Disasters

Pretty self-explanatory. But everyone always thinks of the obvious ones. Earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis… no one’s watching out for the underdog natural disasters. Like fog. I’d rather enjoy that, actually. It would be like apocalypse via minor inconvenience. It’s less jarring that way.

9. Meteor

While a chosen few will get to ride a shuttle into space with Bruce Willis and stop the meteor like in Armageddon, the other 6 billion of us will fight for spots in the government’s underground shelters like in The Other Movie About a Meteor. Which is bad news for me, since “compiling Top Ten lists” and “napping” are not on Uncle Sam’s list of skills needed in the new world.

8. Robot Uprising

It starts with vacuum cleaners that can steer themselves. Then it’s vacuum cleaners that look like humans. Next thing you know, it’s vacuum cleaners that can form global armies, travel through time, put us in the matrix and maybe… just maybe… feel love.

7. Ragnarok

Christians believe that when good people die, they get to go to heaven. Vikings believed that when good people die, they get to fight alongside Odin during “Ragnarok,” an apocalyptic battle of gods and monsters, where giant wolves swallow the sun, the world serpent fights Thor in mortal combat, and the whole of creation is consumed. In other words, the world becomes a heavy metal album cover.

6. Alien Invasion

All probing aside, if there’s anything I’ve learned from Gears of War, Halo, Predator, District 9, Predator 2, and Marvin the Martian, it’s that when any aliens arrive, hostile or not, they will have awesome futuristic weapons for us to steal and dual-wield, once again reaffirming how savage/gun-crazy/badass we simple earthlings are. And I want to be there when humans finally get ray guns that strangle a man with his own bowels.

5. Zombie Plague

This one is a no-brainer (pun intended). Mainly because it will be movie geeks and video game nerds who’ll save the day with their anime replica swords and vast knowledge of zombie lore, finally getting their chance at being the hero, instead of stupid jocks who think they’re so cool but will probably get turned into zombies and die and NEVER MAKE FUN OF ME AGAIN!

4. Regular NON-Zombie Plague

Not gonna lie. This one will suck. Remember the last time you were sick? It’s that. Until you die.

3. Ice Age

The best part of an ice age apocalypse would be when I’m huddled around my dwindling campfire inside the frozen ruins of a Walmart and I turn to my friends and say “Hey at least we don’t have to worry about global warming!!” And then they would say nothing, because I ate them a long time ago.

2. Whatever Happened in Waterworld

I didn’t watch Waterworld, but I’ve seen enough to know almost the entire world is covered in water, and everyone dresses like 2pac in the “California Love” video, only they’re ALSO PIRATES, combining two of the most awesome things ever.

1. Nuclear Holocaust

I don’t mean an actual nuclear holocaust, which would be horrible. I mean a sci-fi nuclear holocaust, where you come out of your bunker and you and all your (remaining) friends have extra mutated appendages, and all the streets are empty and every day is Looting Day! It would be like the scene in Home Alone where Kevin realizes he has the whole house to himself, only it’s the whole world, and everything is charred and miserable.

So take a tip from young Kevin McCallister. Even when the chips are down, and it seems like you’ve been abandoned, and the thieves are at your door with nothing but paint cans and Micro Machines keeping them at bay, sometimes you’ve just gotta suck it up, order a cheese pizza, and say “Hey, at least I’m not enslaved by a robotic vacuum overlord.”