7 Things That Suck About Growing Up
WORDS BY OWEN JAVELLANA
Aside from the obvious things like getting a job and paying bills, there’s a lot that sucks about putting away childish things. Who better than us, the generation that coined “quarter-life crisis,” to highlight these often-overlooked growing pains?
There exists some natural phenomenon that makes every generation believe that “kid stuff” from their childhood was unfailingly great, and kid stuff today is idiotic crap. Case in point, for some reason I once thought Clarissa Explains It All was a good show, but new stuff like The Suite Life of Zack and Cody makes me want to disembowel myself.
2. Slow Metabolism
Growing up, I could’ve eaten my weight in McNuggets and Snickers and call it a good day. Even in high school I could tear through Funyons with reckless abandon, giving no thought to carbs or calories. And I dunno about you guys, but now my meal choices are governed by portion control, Splenda, and trying to convince myself that exercise doesn’t suck.
3. Higher Film Standards
Grown-ups are hard to please at a theater. But I wasn’t always concerned with lofty concepts like a movie’s “plot.” As a young, starry-eyed lad, my criteria for a good film used to consist of very few questions: Is it animated? Are there good guys that fight bad guys? Is the voice of Robin Williams involved in any way? If the answer to any of these was “yes,” I probably loved it.
4. Planned Outings
Seeing your friends was simple back then. No Evites, no “catching up,” no “when’s good for you?” no RSVP, no rescheduling, no Facebook Events, no Facebook Event Reminders. It was simple: What? School. Where? School. When? Every day.
5. Kids Nowadays
In a nutshell, they think they’re cool, they have no respect, they dress like hooligans, they’re spoiled by new technology, and our cartoons were way better than their cartoons. So basically, everything adults used to say about us.
6. Awkward Small Talk
Kids can just walk up to kids they’ve never met and begin talking about Pokemon, or macaroni, or tell a completely impromptu knock knock joke. Not so with adults. We have to go through some inane, preapproved checklist of topics that includes the weather, the economy, local freeway routes, or sports. And Heaven help you if you’re a guy who’s not a sports fan, cuz let me tell you, small talk is a fucking train wreck of awkwardness. I know.
7. Life Decisions
I can’t even choose what I want from 7-11. They have like 6 kinds of hot dogs and 80 kinds of chips. How am I supposed to make decisions that I have to live with for the rest of my life? Do I trust the Geico Gecko or President Palmer from 24? To quote Simon Pegg in Hot Fuzz when he quoted Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys, “Shit just got real.”
So as you struggle through (or reminisce about) the frustrating transition of “getting your grown man on,” remember that there’s a whole generation facing exactly the same thing, ready to complain along with you at the drop of a hat… often via blog.