Give Us A Chance! Why You Should Date an Asian Man
To me, it’s fairly obvious why women should date Asian men. I mean…I’m an Asian guy, and I love me, so why wouldn’t anyone else?
Then I stopped to think about my monumental failures with women in the past. They probably had nothing to do at all with my ethnicity…but still, if success with women was a route on memory road, then my road was rough, unpaved, filled with patches, and generally confusing. And of course, being a man, I refused to stop and ask for directions. Reality – man, it’s a sunnuvabitch.
But enough with my sardonic reminiscences! The lovely (and HILARIOUS) Jen Kwok did me a favor and made the ridiculous music video up above to convince women the world over to take a shot at a young lad like me. Jen, I appreciate the help. I suspect I need it.
In addition, I came up with five more reasons why wimmenz should date Asian men. Why five? Because five is average. YEAH, AVERAGE, NOT SMALL.
Fleshy, girthy averageness after the break.
1. We never back down.
From breakdance-fighting to arguing incessantly outside of trendy nightclubs, Asian men are notorious for being idiotic while angry. While this means that, from time to time, you will have to yell “JUST WALK AWAY! JUST WALK AWAY!” at us after an unsurprisingly crummy night at a club and some dude looks at me the wrong way and I decide, “Why the fuck not…I’ll fight him!”, it also means that you’ll never have to deal with other men or women insulting you. We will uphold your honor.
That is, unless, the person giving me an ugly look is REALLY gangster. Or unless we’re in a sketchy part of town and the car isn’t anywhere nearby. Or unless we’re at a dinner with our bosses from work and I don’t wanna piss them off because I’m really angling for that $500/year raise. Come to think of it, Asian men will pretty much only try to fight other Asian men. Sometimes we’ll fight Latinos, but only when we greatly outnumber them.
*Okay, I’m being a little snarky here. We here at the Steel Closet absolutely HATE it when Asians act all aZn at the club, and we usually laugh at them. But for real though, “we never back down” really means that we only back down for you. We’ll, like, open the car door for you and hold up the umbrella in the rain and buy you nice things from time to time. Y’know…because we like you. And stuff.
2. We have delicious food.
If, at some point, you decide to get serious with an Asian man, you will inevitably have to meet his parents. Which is really a good thing, because once you get past the language barriers and how the house smells like it was deep-fried and garnished with weird herbs and the fact that you have to leave your shoes at the door, you will be constantly fussed over by my mom. She will make sure you are fed. She will feed you delicious food. Korean, Thai, Japanese, Chinese, Filipino, Indian, whatever – can you imagine going to a family party and finding steam trays full of galbi or chow fun or lumpia or chicken masala? Ohhhhhhh yeah.
3. We have AMAZING hair.
Yeah, Jen mentioned it in the video already. But it’s worth mentioning again. It’s sleek, voluminous, and runs like silk through your fingertips. Did I mention that with the right hair product, it also defies gravity? Because with the right hair product, our hair defies gravity. Like astronauts.
You’re wet now, aren’t you?
4. We’re NEVER late for a date.
You know how some guys use the excuse, “Oh man, I’m sorry I’m late, I had some car trouble” or “Oh, I couldn’t get here on time, traffic was awful”.
Not with Asian men. Because we all drive Hondas or Toyotas, which are pretty much indestructable so “car trouble” is never a factor. Some of the ritzy Asian guys drive BMWs or Benzes, but they come with free maintenance and 30,000 mile warranties or some other crazy shit like that. What does this mean for you? No cancelled reservations at The Olive Garden because the blow-off valve blew up.
Also, Asian men drive like bats outta hell, so we’re never late because of traffic. Policemen call those who excessively speed on city streets and highways “criminals”, but an Asian man will just insist that he “drives it just the way you like it – hard and fast.” Fucking ricers. I mean, uhm, YAAAAY ASIAN MEN.
So yeah…wear your cute new Anthropologie dress and lipstick-red Christian Leboutins and book us a date at Claim Jumper. We won’t be late.
5. We’re good investments.
All jokes aside, Asian men are on the rise. We’re naturally good at math, so we go to good schools and become lawyers and doctors and shit. We meticiulously monitor our 401K’s progress, we always have enough money in our checking account, and we have a retirement plan set in place before we’re 30. If you’re tired of layabout douchebags and pot-smoking “artists” begging you for rent money, lemme upgrade you. Date an Asian guy.
Plus, what happens when Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie start dating Asian men and it becomes a fad, and then all of a sudden it becomes really hard to find a good Asian guy? There will be a run on the market for Asian men when one is spotted on the red carpet with ScarJo. Don’t be left behind. Invest now, and pick up a good Asian guy while there’s plenty of us around. Then you can brag to your friends that you had an Asian boy before it became all popular and played out.
In short – Thanks Jen. As an Asian man who often goes astray when it comes to wooing women, I appreciate your PSA on behalf of Asian men. Somewhere out there, Jessica Biel is dreaming of me as she drifts off to sleep. All thanks to you.