• Save Yourself the Embarrassment! 20 Things You Should Know When Going to a Club

    WORDS BY OWEN JAVELLANA

    Dave Chappelle

    I don’t claim to be an expert on this subject (or any other, for that matter), but there are certain things I’ve observed while being dragged out to clubs by my (much cooler) friends. Chief among those realizations were “I don’t belong here,” and “I want to skip to the part where we get Denny’s.” But the following is a list of findings that may be slightly more relevant to other people.

    1. Guys: If a girl is ignoring your dancing out on the floor, you will NOT win her over with more dancing.

    2. Just because the bartender is “hot” does not mean they’re “flirting with you,” despite what it may seem like when you’re drunk.

    3. Sitting at the bar is fine. That’s what the stools are for. But if forty people are waiting to squeeze by you to get an order in, you might want to consider getting THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.

    4. Double-fisting drinks will save you a second trip to the bar, as long as you don’t mind looking like a crazy drunkard.

    5. Girls in line outside: We get it. You’re cold.

    6. Long Islands are a cheap, quick way to get drunk. They’re also a cheap, quick way to barf, so control your damn self.

    7. Bouncers: There’s no reason to be hostile when kicking people out. Calling me names won’t make me stop vomiting aaany faster.

    8. Guys: The only way to be swarmed by a bunch of hot girls on the dance floor is to be their one gay friend.

    9. Girls: Don’t go to a straight club to “get away from guys” for a night. That’s like going to Marine World to get away from dolphins.

    10. Everyone is allowed to do the Robot once, but only as a joke, and at your own risk.

    11. No one is allowed to “crank that Soulja Boy” anymore. Not even Soulja Boy.

    crank that soulja boy

    12. Boyfriends: Until someone invents sexy dresses with pockets, you will act as your girlfriend’s substitute purse.

    13. Your Jordans are not classy. The “high-school-basketball-player-at-an-away-game look” no longer suffices at this age.

    14. Sunglasses are a good way to let people know you’re trying too hard.

    sunglasses-at-night

    15. If you’re not going to dance, you should be drinking something. Because really those are the only two activities offered at a club. Otherwise, it looks like you wandered in by accident.

    16. The go-go dancer is not interested in you.

    17. I’ve never seen anyone happy when a DJ switches from hip-hop to techno. If people wanted techno they’d be at a techno club. Or a laser-tag place.

    18. From what I hear (constantly), all women’s shoes unfailingly feel like medieval torture devices by the end of the night.

    painful shoes

    19. Guys: It’s not worth it to start fights with ignorant drunks. Some of them are ignorant and drunk enough to stab somebody.

    20. Ignorant drunks: Don’t fucking stab anybody.

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    Comments ( 21 )

    [...] you liked this, we suggest reading 20 Things You Should Know When Going to a Club.</em></span> Share and [...]

    20 Things You Should Know When Going to the Mall | The Steel Closet added these pithy words on Oct 20 09 at 9:43 am

    [...] Save Yourself the Embarrassment! 20 Things You Should Know W [...]

    Read This Link » Save Yourself the Embarrassment! 20 Things You Should Know W added these pithy words on Jan 09 10 at 9:18 pm
    “No one is allowed to “crank that Soulja Boy” anymore. Not even Soulja Boy.” THANK U!!

    “If you’re not going to dance, you should be drinking something. Because really those are the only two activities offered at a club. Otherwise, it looks like you wandered in by accident.” IM DYING LAUGHIN IN THE LIBRARY LOL

    “Sunglasses are a good way to let people know you’re trying too hard.” SERIOUSLY…MY FAVORITES ARE THE THE FELLAS/FEMALES WHO WAIT UNTIL THEY GET IN THE CLUB TO PUT THE GLASSES ON. ASS BACKWARDS.

    CassieNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 06 09 at 11:23 am
    @Cassie HAHAHAHA how about the dudes who wait till they’re inside to take their shirt off? FACEPALM!

    casanovaruffinNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 06 09 at 1:11 pm
    no more soulja boy – ever. please.

    roxanneNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 06 09 at 2:35 pm
    I’m thrilled with they switch to techno. Also thrilled when they have lasers. Too bad you can’t drink at laser tag.

    Kallin NagelbergNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 06 09 at 6:38 pm
    Oh my such wise words. These should be posted outside the clubs!

    MizzJNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 06 09 at 7:58 pm
    to preemptively answer a FAQ,
    if a guy with sunglasses cranks that soulja boy, it’s STILL not okay to stab him.
    sorry folks. rules is rules.

    OwenNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 06 09 at 10:42 pm
    +1 to that Jordans thing. I get thoroughly annoyed when guys ask me, “Is it aiite if I wear ‘deez sneakahz dough?”

    JonnNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 07 09 at 3:00 am
    1. Guys: If a girl is ignoring your dancing out on the floor, you will NOT win her over with more dancing.
    ANOTHER THING, LOOZAH, trying to get a girl who is doing her dancing thing hella good by challenging her to a “dance-off” So You Think You Can Dance-style, and then doing it rather badly, will NOT SUCCEED.
    17. I’ve never seen anyone happy when a DJ switches from hip-hop to techno. If people wanted techno they’d be at a techno club. Or a laser-tag place.
    I beg to differ…. IN DETROIT… if the DJ switches to techno, “Put Your Hands Up For Detroit”, in particular, the crowd will at the very least be okay with it, and the very most, become frenzied. The caveat to that is that most of the DJ’s in the clubs can’t do a proper mixed set to save their lives. Hip Hop, Mainstream, techno, sloppily mixed House, Pop… ugh… DIE.

    MaekoNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 07 09 at 8:23 am
    I LOVE THIS CITY~ dooot doot dot dun dundundun. awwyee fedde le grand.

    PaulineNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 07 09 at 8:59 am
    I have to hear this song. I’m sure I’ve heard it before.

    casanovaruffinNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 07 09 at 10:02 am
    I could definitely be wrong about techno.
    It’s probably because the only clubs I’ve been to are ones where the crowd is overwhelmingly hip-hop/stabbing inclined.

    OwenNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 07 09 at 11:24 am
    But amen to #14. Amen!!!

    grown ups wear wrong up cloths.

    swillzNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 07 09 at 8:20 pm
    Hater blockerrrrsss.

    casanovaruffinNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 07 09 at 9:24 pm
    agree with so much.
    i love these lists.

    RichardNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Oct 20 09 at 11:18 am
    Terrific work! That is the type of info that should be shared across the internet. Disgrace on the search engines for now not positioning this publish higher! Come on over and seek advice from my website . Thank you =)

    Janet HernandezNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Jan 04 12 at 11:35 pm
    this is fucking hilarious

    catNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Aug 22 12 at 2:59 pm
    And this is why I’ve actively avoided being dragged to clubs since I turned 21. The whole scene sounds like a douchey, obnoxious nightmare of an evening.

    StutzNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Dec 16 12 at 7:07 pm
    maybe this was true in ‘09, but when you read this today, half of these aren’t true.. and stutz, what’d u catch the gay?

    anthonyNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Apr 13 13 at 4:09 am
    Hello, i read your blog from time to timee and i own a similar one
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    beverly wilshireNo Gravatar added these pithy words on Dec 06 14 at 5:02 pm

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