Super Bowl Tip # 736 – Try to avoid attending a Small Apartment Female Majority Super Bowl Party (SAFMSBP)
WORDS BY KDOUBLE
Yes, I can spell misogynist. And no, I’m not one. I actually quite like women. They make everything better. They are awesome enough to make straight dudes try Yoga. I get it.
Look, I think most guys understand that women think differently than we do. I have a reasonably intelligent friend who likes to say, “You take a perfectly rational human being, you stick a womb in it, and weird things happen.” I tend to appreciate these differences, although I have to limit my watching of Oxygen’s Bad Girls Club to one episode per season because that’s all it takes to start turning you. I do, however, like to appreciate from afar though. My issue w/ the SAFMSBP is that it gave an all-too-rare-yet-unwanted look inside the female brain. Without the checks and balances provided by the noise of a large crowd or an insecurity-causing majority of guys, I got an unfiltered look inside the female mind during a football game. I entered the room with thoughts of super bowl boxes and queso dip; I left with my mouth open and images that may never let me watch football the same again…
Larry’s lady lumps
Super Bowl XLIII turned out to be a great game. It came down to the final seconds. The indelible image should have been Santonio’s geometry defying catch and Ben’s once-in-a-bucket-of-balls throw. Nope. You know what mine is? It’s of Larry Fitzgerald’s ass. That’s right. As Larry was making his sick catch and run (capping off probably the greatest performance by a receiver ever in the playoffs,) the ladies I was with decided to enlighten me with the observation that Larry has the body of a woman. They had a blast continually pointing out his lady lumps (he kind of does have an hourglass to him to be fair.) On the one hand, I think Fitz is even more of a beast to be able to perform like that with child-bearing hips but the fact that I just said child-bearing in reference to a football player without saying baby mamas means I should go ahead and jump. Now, football oddly resembles a Sir Mix-A-Lot video. Not cool.
Prior to having my football innocence lost, I was having a debate with my buddy about Kurt Warner being a Hall of Famer. We both decided if he won that game he would have been a sure fire Hall of Famer and may still be a HOFer w/ the loss. You know what the girls decided? They decided Kurt Warner was a D.I.L.F. Huh? First, there is no such thing as a D.I.L.F. M.I.L.F.’s are given special denotation because the natural path of most women is to lose some of their attractiveness with age/childbirth (although I straight dug every one of the Golden Girls.) The natural path for most men is to actually gain attractiveness with age, and by age, I mean cash but whatever. Older guys kill it all the time…girls will swoon over George Clooney without even the slightest pause that he’s like 85. Second, you don’t just go creating opposite sex version of popular terms all willy-nilly. You never hear girls critiquing guys F.U.D.A.s do you? And finally, Kurt Warner is not a handsome man. He looks like his wife which isn’t a good thing since she could be a D.I.L.F. if there was such a thing.
At this point, you would at least think we could be on the same page when it came to the commercials right? If you answered yes, then you either haven’t been paying attention or you thought I was asking which of the Kardashians you would date first. My buddy and I obviously thought the Etrade babies were fall down hysterical.
They didn’t even blink when the commercial came on. Their response was so muted that they could have been watching an episode of SNL (I recently watched the episode when Barkley hosted and thought someone was punking me it was that bad, I kept looking out the windows waiting for the cameras to appear).
And then as we’re watching this commercial, the girls bust out laughing. Fittingly, my buddy and I now have the SNL look and can’t even make out what just happened.
Like I said, I appreciate the crap out of our differences. I do, I really do (or at least I’m single and too smart to say otherwise publicly.) Everyone, learn from my experiences though. Girls, you don’t want to be confusing guys even more and guys can’t stand to be any more freaked out than we currently are. It’s like I learned that day, attending a small-apartment-female-majority-super-bowl-party is like watching an entire season of Bad Girls Club. You will leave amazed, entertained, awed, but ultimately a less productive member of society.