This Just In: “She’s adorable” is the new “She has a nice personality”
WORDS BY Kdouble
Saturday, I was out at a friend’s birthday party and this polite white girl approaches me and my best friend Egbac (aka Big Dog, bka Young Wade, cka J Boogie.) This was the conversation that ensued:
White Chick: Hey guys, this is going to sound weird but are you guys single?
Me: Depends on why you’re asking
WC: See, I have this friend who is black obviously (she laughs cuz this is funny?)
WC: She likes black guys but all the ones she meets have, like, problems.
WC: You guys look like your normal. I mean you hang with a “diverse” group of people.
[At this point it’s important to note that the group of people wasn’t really that diverse….it was 10 white people and me and my boy Egbac who are both brothas.]
Me: You mean we’re safe because we hang out with white people?
Me: Honestly, that sounds about right…
Egbac: We even like white women sometimes too…we live on the edge.
WC: Really!!! You just have to meet my friend then. What are you guys doing later?
Me: Um, not to be a dick, but do you have pictures?
WC: You don’t need them….she’s adorable. I love her so much!
WC: She is real tall too so you guys will like that. She‘s like taller than you (pointing at Egbac who is 6’2.)
E: Taller than me? You friends with Candace Parker?
Me: How about this, text us later and we’ll see what’s up…. (At this point the whole birthday party we are with is watching and laughing hysterically.)
You know this always ends up like this classic scene from Friday.
You probably know how the story ends, but I’d like to point out a couple things before I get to the seemingly inevitable conclusion. First, you know your boy Kdouble obviously didn’t give her his correct number. Really, it was win-win for me. I knew my boy E would give the real number so I knew contact would happen, yet I get the option of saying I sniffed this thing out the whole time. Second, I can’t fully express to you how funny it was to be told that you are safe because you hang with other “types” of people.
Now to the moral of the story. We’ve all been in this situation before, right? A girl approaches you and says you would be perfect for her friend. Like, I and every other guy with two turntables and mic would do, you ask the very fair question “What does she look like?” And I know, looks are certainly not everything but it definitely does not make you a bad dude for wanting to feel some minimal level of physical attraction. I think its one of the commandments… ‘Thall shall want to wax that ass.’ If someone asked me that question about a friend of mine, I’d speak briefly about his physical appearance and then I would speak about his hunting stats like his takedowns per weekend or his sea-donkey ratio. When you ask a girl that simple question, she looks at you like you just asked her to explain the theory of relativity in two words or less. It’s not that difficult. Give a quick description of her physical appearance and then talk about the other reasons why you love this girl.
The classic female way to duck this question is to reply “She has such a great personality,” right? By now, most women probably know exactly what that sounds like to us. That’s not to say an attractive girl can’t have a great personality but our Man-dars start going off when you lead with it. So imagine my surprise when I got “adorable”. I chewed on it for a minute or two. I asked my other friend if she would ever use that word and she said she’d only use it if her friend was really small. Hmm….that sounded reasonable, but this chick was supposed to be taller than 6’2 based on the wildly unrealistic claims of this girl’s friend. Then it hit me like an 80 lb. brick. Finkle is Einhorn, Einhorn is Finkle! (Points for getting the movie reference.) I deduced that she was probably cute faced and bubbly, but unquestionably and undeniably big-bonededed. I could have drawn her frieken picture I was so sure. I told my boy what to expect so we just went about our night and waited for them to meet up (of course they could only text my boy…haha.)
Monique you’ve made it ! You are now adorable…
Sometime around 1am between the 3rd of 6th shot of Jameson, someone shows up hugs me and says “It’s me!” Having no idea what’s going on, I look to her right and see a carbon copy of the mental picture I had drawn. Yep, Ms. Adorable had arrived and it turns out she was a big boneded as hell (somewhere between ‘good thick’ and ‘daaaaamn you thick!’) and couldn’t have been taller than 5’8. I just looked at her and went back to the bar leaving my boy E to handle it. I’m an awesome friend. I needed to tell this small tale to alert both guys and gals alike. Dudes, “she’s adorable” is the new “she has a nice personality.” Girls, don’t bring that weak stuff in here cuz we’ve sniffed it out already. Be honest, we can definitely handle the truth….