Velociraptor Awareness Day
Velociraptor Awareness day fell on April 18 this year. The origins of this holiday are unknown but with 136,000 followers on its Facebook page and countless fans on blogs, and forums alike, this is proving to be more than just another greeting card holiday. But just like blind chipmonk awareness week, and Keep Your T-Rex off Meth Month, this is a year round problem that citizens need to be aware of. If you missed yesterday’s festivities and your girlfriend is pissed, here’s the run down. Acceptable gifts for this day include but are not limited to: large bore rifles and ammunition, running shoes, shot guns, and dead bolts.
Most people are familiar with this terrifying creature from the Cretaceous due to its role in the epic Jurassic park movies. It’s been over a decade since the release of Jurassic Park, but like so many great monster flicks, this Spielberg/Crichton juggernaut has engrained itself into the modern psyche and spawned Velociraptor Awareness Day. Yes, my friends, thanks to the viral voodoo of Facebook, Velociraptors are once again alive and well and stalking through your neighborhoods. Follow these basic tips and you should be able to survive the Raptor apocalypse.
1. Know your foe. Contrary to popular belief, the Velociraptor is NOT the man sized creature we are familiar with in the movies. They are a bipedal turkey sized predator with an enlarged sickle shaped claw on the hind foot. This appendage is also known as the doo claw from hell. Stay away from it at all costs. If you see a particularly menacing looking turkey like creature in your backyard, it might be a Velociraptor. It’s okay, you are being hunted.
2. Cardio Cardio Cardio. A good exercise plan and lots of cardio will help you be able to out run a Raptor. Just be sure if you are running while armed that your leg doesn’t get caught in your rifle shoulder strap.
3. Know where to go. When traveling take care to avoid Velociraptor hot spots. These areas include tropical climates, areas with high grasses or weeds, and private islands turned into theme parks for millionaire crack pots.
4. Raptor proof your home and place of business. Remember, they can use doors. These are highly intelligent animals. Take the time to properly install electric fencing, back up generators, and door locks. Manual locks are always a plus in case of power outage.
5. Arm yourself. In the event that you can not outrun a Velociraptor, are trapped in a kitchen with one or have found yourself in a wilderness area with a bevy of raptors breathing down your neck, be sure to keep properly armed at all times. Twelve gauge shotguns are the preferred defense. Folding stocks are not recommended, as they tend to make just enough noise, and take just enough time that you will become this afternoon’s snack.
So, Happy Velociraptor Awareness Day. Follow the tips. Use caution and stay alert. And if Jeff Goldblum shows up, RUN.
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