Solid Steel Tips: A Halloween Costume Guide for Those NOT Trick-Or-Treating
Here’s the thing about our practicality guide; Halloween is inherently impractical. From the old All Hallow’s eve traditions of slaughtering livestock as an offering to the deceased, all the way up to modern day orange buckets filled with candy corn bound to rot your teeth, there’s not a whole lot that’s practical about Halloween.
But that doesn’t mean that it’s not a whole lot of fun. Unfortunately Halloween ranks up there with Saturday nights in Vegas and your 21st birthday as nights where you have a pretty much 4 in 5 chance at losing your cell phone 32 seconds after leaving your house / getting into a fistfight with a cabbie / catching a cold and/or The Clap.
With age comes wisdom (and antibiotics!), so click through the jump to arm yourself with some Solid Steel Tips on how to awesomate your outfit and practicalitize your costume. And unlike that David Bowie space slut costume, this guide is one size fits all – guaranteed success with any and all getups.
Hilary Duff hates “gay.” True story.
No, really. She hates the term “gay”. To be precise, however, I should clarify that she is a star in a series of infomercials designed at raising awareness at the misuse of the word “gay”. Check out Hilary Duff’s ad above, and view the rest at thinkb4youspeak.com.
I’m kind of torn in half on this one. On the one hand, I think it’s incredible (and about damn time) that something is being done to force people to face the fact that using the word “gay” as a synonym for anything displeasing is outmoded and pretty offensive. And “faggot” is a can of worms I don’t want to go anywhere near either, at least not until after we’re done dealing with “gay”.
On the other hand, my fears of America becoming a police state become more and more real every day, and having PSAs reproaching diction does nothing to alleviate my worries. But that probably has less to do with any real problem and more with my paranoia…so take that as you will.
On the third hand…seriously? Hilary Duff and Wanda Sykes were the best you could get? How am I supposed to take that shit seriously? More importantly, how are the rest of the ignorati that this is supposed to reach supposed to take it seriously?
Three hands…hrm. I guess I’m not really torn in half as much as I’m torn into thirds. Regardless, this is an issue that most people don’t really think twice about and this commercial should do wonders to change that. Sure, not everyone might change their habits of calling things “gay” overnight, but at the very least, people will be talking about it and arguing about and consulting their gay friends and figuring it all out. I, for one, am all for that. I should also note that I cannot be the one who casts the first stone…I formerly attended schools and inhabited environments where rampant use of the word “gay” was commonplace, and I partook. As much as I’m trying to remove it from my system and vocabulary, sometimes I slip…and immediately do the “look over both shoulders” to apologize to any gays in the verbal blast radius. Seriously.
Our only problem is…what do we say when the word “gay” is no longer socially acceptable as a parallel for “crappy”? Ahhh…this is why you read the Steel Closet. My Half Dozen “Gay” Replacements, in ascending order of usefulness/awesomeness, after the jump.
Give Us A Chance! Why You Should Date an Asian Man
To me, it’s fairly obvious why women should date Asian men. I mean…I’m an Asian guy, and I love me, so why wouldn’t anyone else?
Then I stopped to think about my monumental failures with women in the past. They probably had nothing to do at all with my ethnicity…but still, if success with women was a route on memory road, then my road was rough, unpaved, filled with patches, and generally confusing. And of course, being a man, I refused to stop and ask for directions. Reality – man, it’s a sunnuvabitch.
But enough with my sardonic reminiscences! The lovely (and HILARIOUS) Jen Kwok did me a favor and made the ridiculous music video up above to convince women the world over to take a shot at a young lad like me. Jen, I appreciate the help. I suspect I need it.
In addition, I came up with five more reasons why wimmenz should date Asian men. Why five? Because five is average. YEAH, AVERAGE, NOT SMALL.
Fleshy, girthy averageness after the break.
Why The VMAs weren’t Kanye’s biggest mistake.
Kanye West is the man.
YEAH I SAID IT.
In what is quite possibly the biggest news event of the week (says something about the state of our country doesn’t it?), Kanye West decided to be an idiot (again!) at the MTV Video Music Awards.
People all across the United States have their panties in a twist because, apparently, Kanye’s actions were so rude, so disgusting, and so despicably vile that Kanye should be imprisoned. Or castrated. Or whatever. But c’mon folks…seriously? THIS is what people decide is the final straw for Kanye West? Are we forgetting the scads of other impossibly ignorant, endlessly entertaining moments that he’s provided?
Stupider shit that Kanye’s done and why I still think he’s awesome after the break. Oh, and a ton of funny 4Chan meme stuff that will inevitably get whored out.
Lazy Mondays @ Dolores Park
I am an unabashed lover of the cold. Clouds, frigid wind, and heavy wool coats are my mistresses, my lovers.
But on one of the last days of the summer, a 78 degree stunner with nary a cloud in sight, I was lured to the patchy grass and varieties of wafting smoke trails (charcoal, cigarette…uhm…”others”) at San Francisco’s Dolores Park.
We, the Steel Crew, hold PhDs and government certifications in lolling around and loitering in public places. So we decided to say goodbye to the summer with picnic blankets, salty snacks, and cold beers. Aren’t you jealous?
More after the break.
In The Shadow of Mount Doom: Steel Closet @ Five Guys Burger
I am a man of my word. After runnin’ my mouth on a previous episode of The Steel Closet, I decided to back it up by heading to Five Guys during a visit to L.A. a few weeks ago. My brother, Latarian Milton, accompanied me as we set out to see what all the hype was about, to see if this Five Guys burger was worth the one-hour drive from Northridge to Carson.
Did I defect from the house that Animal Style built? Did I shame West Coast believers everywhere? Did I eat too much to move?
Answers (and lots of burger porn) after the break.
Seven Things Vanessa Hudgens Should Do Next
As reported last week, Vanessa Hudgens has a chronic case of clothesaphobia. I, for one, am ecstatic that such an ambitious, level-headed, intelligent young woman coincidentally loves to take nude photos of herself and share them with the perv- I mean, the internet bloggers of the world.
But…c’mon. She can’t honestly expect us to believe that these pictures just “accidentally” “leaked” again. I’m convinced that this is all just a promotional tool to get people to understand that she’s not just a High School Musical Girl anymore. She’s a serious Hollywood actress. Seriously. Y’know, because nothing says “serious” like flashing your hoo-ha on camera.
So, because I know for a fact that Vanessa’s publicist’s cousin’s half-brother’s friend reads The Steel Closet, I’ve listed out Seven Things That Vanessa Hudgens Should Do To Be Taken Seriously By Hollywood And Internet Celebrity Bloggers, organized in ascending order of importance. This is all scientifically proven, as these steps have helped various celebrities rise from marginal obscurity to superstardom. Chea.
Stuff that Vanessa should do after the break.
Fast backward in time