No I didn’t Run Off to Africa Like Dave Chappelle
I’m pretty sure everyone remembers where they were when they saw this:
And so Mar. 18th 2010 shall live on in the same way. I had come to a crossroads. I felt like I had accomplished a lot in my short time at the Steel Closet. I thought I had learned as much about the blogging game as I could from Mr. Ruffin. I made it into a big newspaper (apparently they have newspapers in Canada?). I see what Mike was talking about. I had nothing left to prove. Canada loved me and I had many adoring blogging groupies emailing me to get my Gchat name (the truth? it’s a bitch to blog hungover in foreign countries).
So I blew out. I’ve been on a two month whirlwind that would make your head spin. Buenos Aires, Vegas, Panama, and Miami mixed in with benders in Springtime NYC. I must say, I learned and saw alot. I learned that if you book a plane ticket to a ‘drug-senstive’ country a few hours before take-off with no luggage, wearing only a suit and bowtie that you just might have a problem getting back into the country. I also learned that Buenos Aires is hte best city in the world, or at least until Brazil tries to change my mind when I arrive in a week.
It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
You woke up this morning. You realized the following:
1. You live in a country that doesn’t provide health care for all its citizens. The proposed solution to the current situation makes as much sense as Lindsay Lohan suing the Etrade babies.
2. If you are older than 21, you’ve seen the last of your good birthdays. At 25, you get to rent a car but I think sprawling out in the back and lobbing comments to the driver is way more fun than driving.
3. 70% of African-American babies are born to baby mammas and baby daddies instead of to families.
4. Mean Girls has yet to be given the critical acclaim it deserves
All this stuff is hella depressing, right ? Fear not. Just in time to cure you of all that ails you is Miggedy March Madness snitches ! I literally can’t sit still on my couch right now. This next 3 weeks is why I live. Well, that and short sneakily-chubby blond girls. March Madness is the Rodney King of sporting events. It simply can’t be beaten and it begs people to just get along. Everyone loves rooting for their Alma mater, or for their parents’ Alma mater, or because they have a friend who banged the stud freshman center, or simply for Cinderella. Either way, you should go to your nearest bar and crack open a PBR, and embrace the awesomeness that is this month. If you see me, say hi and ask me what I think of the games because I’m probably the best college basketball mind this side of Ashley Judd. Here are some great March Madness moments to get you warmed up…
How To Rid the World of Douchebags…
I just walked home from my weekly Portuguese glasses and let me tell you I just locked my door. I mean, I party like the next guy, but there are DRUNK people outside. I just witnessed 6 girls yell “Vaginnaaaa, oh Vaginaaaa, we found you!” into a phone and I think there was someone nearby on the other end of that call. I just saw a guy playing literal human Frogger in the middle of 6th avenue where cabs give pedestrians “love taps” just for fun. I saw more bro-on-bro pull-aside conversations than I care to talk about. This was all literally in one five minute walk home. Who knew St. Patty’s day was the official lets get obliterated day? Apparently, I didn’t….
Lights, Camera, Action !
It has always struck me as the coolest/weirdest thing at a party. You’re there and a camera comes out in a group of girls. Then, all of a sudden, the picture lineup is formed and each girl instantaneously snaps into a well constructed pose as if they were not party goers but, in fact, members of an all-girl super hero group from Saturday morning cartoons. From best I can tell, there are 4 main poses that I’ve noticed over the years of sitting in the corner of parties and facebook stalking. Here’s what I got….(these pics are mainly from 2 other really good blogs: Barstool Sports and The Chive)
Exhibit Sorority Girl #1
Breaking Down Double Standards One Botched Three-Some at a Time
There are many double standards in society. For instance, men who frequent the beds of different women are described as pimps, players, hunters, or slayers. These descriptors tend to be positive. Conversely, women who frequent the beds of alot of guys are called sluts, whores, hoes, or my personal favorite: skoochies (skank hoochies). I’m not sure how these double standards happen, but I have to imagine all it takes is a little common sense and self reflection to change them. With that in mind, I’d like to reflect on something that happened to me on Saturday that has to be a rather easy one to change….
I was at a charity Fundraiser thrown by my girl L-Boogie. I was dancing with these two girls and things were going swimmingly. They were both elementary school teachers and I think their kids would have needed permission slips to watch them on that dance floor. Just good stuff all around. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen two white girls drop it like that since Elisha Dushku in Bring it On. At some point in the night this interaction happens…
- Girl #1 mistakenly (or so I thought) touches my stomach
- Girl #2 immediately asks “Hows it feel ?”
- Girl #1 replies “Soft”
- I try to grasp for any words besides “Hello kettle, this is pot. I’m black.”
- Girl #2 reaches herself and says “Ya, I thought it’d be better”
It’s Like Raeeaaiiiiinnn… On Your Wedding Day
On the real, I used to love that song. I’ll be damned if life sometimes just isn’t ironic. Just the other day, I was watching SportsCenter and they were talking about how someone died at an NHRA event. Since NHRA could stand for No Hoes Running Around for all I know, I didn’t really know what to expect. Apparently, its a type of car racing circuit. And then the irony. The person who died was, in fact, a fan. Check the footage….
Car racing has always boggled my girthy brain. I could never understand why people could watch a car drive in a circle really fast for hours upon hours. The response that drinking makes it fun doesn’t hold cuz I’m pretty sure drinking would make a rectal exam entertaining. I also never understood how these dudes could be going like 400 mph, crash, and break everything in the car except for the black box, yet walk away with only a scratch on their cheek because their nail was a little too long when they took off their helmet. Car racing irony, I guess. In this case, a tire left the car and started into the crowd. As you can see, the people immediately outside the track saw the tire coming and took off. This rumbling rubber slab of irony jumped them and then jumped over a tower to where this poor woman couldn’t conceivably know that a tire was coming. Unreal, all the people in harm’s way escape and the unsuspecting victim doesn’t.
Only In America
From Don King’s mouth to your eyes….I’m not going to ruin this with words. Just know that when your child looks at you with a twinkle in their eye, you can honestly tell them that all your dreams can come true. Impossible is nothing!
Fast backward in time