You’ve “Lost” Me
WORDS BY J. CLAIBORNE BOWDON
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Folks, it all seems so obvious now: we’ve been watching an extended, metaphorical riff of a Ronald Dahl adaptation; last night’s episode made it all so clear. The island is Willy Wonka’s factory, Hurley is Augustus Gloop, Sawyer is Veruca Salt, Locke is Mike TeeVee, Jack is Charlie Bucket, and Sayid is Violet Beauregard. Somewhere, in a Victorian mansion that is even more dimly lit than usual, the curtains are even more drawn, and the slow strains of a small, black-clad chamber music ensemble echo through the cavernous ballroom where Tim Burton sits in the pale glow of FTD.com on his computer screen as he drafts a somber note of congratulations to go with the black roses he is sending to J.J. Abrams. I’m just kidding, but are they?
I gave up on “Lost” about two seasons ago, but here I am; suckered in with gritted teeth for the denouement of something that refuses to help itself. I’ve come back to find that not only are they still wasting a third of each episode with scenes that boil down to one character yelling “YES!” and the other character softly replying “No,” but now we have gods, demi-or otherwise, skulking around the island, and one of them comes with no less than three reverent disciple factions that have all shown up too late to be of any help to their devotional focus, to say nothing of the plot. If you’re going to keep adding characters why don’t you have a guest spot from “The Great Gazoo,” you know, some out of left field, all powerful presence that can make anything possible? All I’m saying is, if you’re going to take the teeth out of everything you’ve worked towards, why not have some fun with it?
Evangeline Lilly, Kate from Lost, has a Phone Sex Ad
If I were to describe my current mood right now, it would be miffed. I spent about 5 hours last night trying to catch the season premiere of Lost online. I don’t own a television set and, so far, it has served me well. Heck, I saw Obama’s inauguration speech on the interwebs. Surely, Lost would be no problem.
But because of my shoddy internet connection, the video was stuttering more than a speech impediment. With some steady determination and after delivering an AT&T representative a few choice words, I successfully viewed LA X part 1. When I tried watching part 2, it was the same story all over again. I decided that it wasn’t worth it and forces beyond my control did not want me to have a pleasant evening to watch my Lost in peace.
Instead, I decided to indulge in some showbiz news, and I found this: Evangeline Lilly, Kate from “Lost,” in a phone sex ad! And boy does she have blue balls for some hot steamy phone conversation with local singles.
ABC
How about some mood music?
THE QUEUE | The Video Edition
- The LOST season 5 promo gives me goosebumps. Saw it first at Shaun Wills’, but ABC Nazis will probably take it down soon. HUGE SPOILER ALERTS! | [sl-LOST]
- Bush endorses McCain with all his heart…for the next 16 years! ::crosses fingers:: [ABOVE] | [Saturday Night Live]
- I was looking for some good old-school Bill O’reilly + Stephen Colbert clips. While Colbert’s O’reilly meltdown impression was good, Colbert navigating the murky waters of the O’reilly Factor takes the cake. | [Youtube]
- There are some states that can be very anti-American OR they can be very pro-American. It’s up to them. What the Pfuck? | [The Daily Show]
- Natalie Portman and Rashida Jones solve the financial crisis. And kiss some puppies in the mouth. | [Funny or Die]
Fast backward in time
