by Brian Ulrich · Interview by Nozlee Samadzadeh

As I sit here people-watching at the Serramonte Mall in Daly City, a thought occurred to me: I must look pretty stupid with my laptop out at McDonald’s, but Starbucks had no tables and I like the smell of fries, dammit. Then another, more relevant thought occurred to me: The mall would make great material for another list of vaguely helpful, random observations.

1. I’m sure it says something about the laziness of today’s society that everyone goes out of their way to use the automatic handicap doors at the entrance, but it makes me feel like I have Jedi powers, so fuck it.

2. The difference between a “good” parking space and a “bad” parking space is like 15 seconds of walking. Don’t get an aneurism over a 20 yard difference. It’s shopping, not the NFL.

3. If you’re at a mall and it’s 10am, you’re either A) working, or B) very, very old.

4. While I feel guilty for ignoring people at mall kiosks, I think it’s the natural reaction to a stranger trying to make me “feel his pillow” or “wear his moisturizer.”

5. Any restaurant with “Express” in its name is probably not culturally authentic.

6. Don’t fool yourself. A Cinnabon is too huge to be a snack. And it’s not a meal, unless you consider “five desserts” a meal.

7. You may have noticed that McDonald’s and Burger Kings at the mall are slightly more expensive than at other locations. If you have noticed this, you’re probably low on cash and out of shape.

8. Parents who put who walk their toddler through the mall on a leash: possibly consider using a parenting method appropriate to your baby’s species.

9. Pet owners: Dog’s don’t need to ride in strollers. Also, they don’t need to go to malls.

10. If you want to avoid the afternoon wave of high schoolers, go to Sears, where there is, almost without fail, no one under 30.

11. You may think that mall photos of you and your friend are “cute.” And they are, but only provided your friend is a baby. And dressed like a sunflower. And you’re not in the picture.

12. Unless you work for a suicide hotline and both your hands are furiously busy shopping, you probably don’t need to wear your Bluetooth in here.

13. Don’t block an entire walkway by slowly walking shoulder-to-shoulder with your group of ten friends. Unless you’re the newly appointed sheriff-of-the-mall and his rag tag posse, get out of the way.

14. For the life of me I can’t figure out why Hollister is so dark and dank. It’s like shopping in Abercrombie & Fitch’s dungeon.

15. Forever 21’s “Men’s section” isn’t so much a part of the store as it is a failed attempt to keep boyfriends occupied while their girlfriends shop. A better idea would have been to have a corner with an Xbox and a bowl of Funyuns.

16. Hot Topic used to be “goth.” Now it’s just a great place for high school kids to find retro T-shirts of cartoons they weren’t alive to appreciate.

[Photo via AP Photo/Sony Pictures, Richard Cartwright]

17. If the security guards are riding segways, it doesn’t necessarily mean your mall is more secure. It means your mall has entirely too much money.

18. If you set off a store’s security alarm because they forgot to demagnetize your purchase and they just let you go, your first thought is usually embarrassment. But your second thought is probably “Damn, I totally could’ve stolen some shit.”

19. I hate to overstress the point, but you’re not a gangsta if you cut 6th period and took the bus to be here. So stop staring me down, kid.

20. All types of people work at the mall. One thing they usually have in common, though: They’re all sick of the mall.

If you liked this, we suggest reading 20 Things You Should Know When Going to a Club